LI: Licensed by Idiots
by Hypes
Summary: Agent 003 Gallows Carradine is back! A mysterious organization known only as G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N has stolen Christmas! Can Gallows, Jack Van Burace and the rest of A.R.M.S retrieve Christmas, or will Filgaia never know another December 25th? R&R!
1. Terra Roar

-Wild ARMs is © Sony/Media.Vision/Agetec-

**Chapter One: Terra Roar**

Outside an enormous concrete building in the middle of the Filgaian desert, two men were standing guard near its huge steel doors. Well, one huge man and one small boy. The man was wearing a long white cloak over his body. He had long spiky dirty blonde hair and an eye patch. The boy had blue hair and cat like blue eyes. He was wearing a leather cowboy hat and an open leather cloak. He was also clad in a red shirt and brown trousers, an ARM at his side.

Heh, this is some job you got us Sheyenne." The older man looked to the boy. "It's easy enough and has great pay."

The boy grinned and rubbed his nose. "I know, isn't it great. We get paid big bucks just to stand here and play guard."

"And that's what's got me worried!" A blue popepipipepo crawled out from Sheyenne's cloak and sat on his shoulder, adjusting his bow tie. "It's too good to be true, especially if Sheyenne got it! Am I right or am I right, Kiel?" The wind mouse looked to the larger man.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean you old coot! I've gotten plenty of good gigs in my life! You're saying that just because of this kid's body, aren't you!" Sheyenne shouted at the mouse.

"Isaac has a point Sheyenne," Kiel rubbed his chin. "You're track record of gigs has been sub-par till now. That get's me to thinking, what's in the thing anyway?"

"Something suspicious if you ask me." Isaac crossed his tiny arms. "It could be another Grausswein for all we know."

Sheyenne smiled and placed his hands on his hips. "I wasn't that stupid, of course I asked what's in the building!"

Kiel and Isaac both asked at the same time. "Well, what's in there?"

"Christmas!" Sheyenne replied non-chalantly.

"Christmas!" Kiel and Isaac both blinked.

"How can Christmas be in there? Isn't Christmas more of a concept than an actual thing?" Isaac robbed his temples.

"We're guarding Christmas? From what?" Kiel asked.

"How should I know. We're just supposed to stand here and make sure no one gets in and steals Christmas from under our noses." Sheyenne frowned.

Just at that moment, an explosion came from behind the building. The three instantly jumped at the noise. Sheyenne drew his ARM and ran for the back, followed by the giant and the mouse. What the three found was a gaping smoldering hole and no one to be seen. The one and only concrete room was empty.

"What the! I don't believe this!" Sheyenne growled.

"Hey Look over there!" Kiel shouted. The three turned around and noticed a dark shadow flying through the air, going far far away.

"That guy stole Christmas!" Isaac yelped.

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In 2005… you will meet the extraordinary cool agents in all fiction… Their intelligence, elegance, and some secrets past will be fashion. And everything they touch will turn to excitement… How do I call this story? This is straight pillow fantasies of the ban-bang, kiss-kiss variety. They are called L/I… who are… "Licensed by Idiots"

**L/I**

**Licensed by Idiots**

_-From Baskar With Love 2-_

Gallows Caradine and Jack Van Burace, both dressed in tuxedoes walked down the red carpeted hall of Valeria Chateaux towards two wooden doors. Gallows spun his trusty PP7 in one hand while the other rested in his pocket, whistling "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer", whilst Jack gave smiles and winks to all the female agents and co-workers they passed.

Tripin up electric light

I'll take you places you ain't gone before

I got a formula for getting a life

You better stick with me

Take my hand and hold on tight

This roller coaster goin all night

To damn good this love, must be a crime

Let us go where no ones gone before

Born under a brilliant star

Stay with me, we can't go wrong

I don't care who listens

Come on, help me sing along

Daring you on the count of three

Your gonna feel like you are royalty

I'll storm the palace and make you my queen

Let us go where no ones gone before

Born under a brilliant star

Stay with me, we can't go wrong

I don't care who listens

Come on, help me sing along

Take your hand with all your might

Time for you and I to settle the score

Our futures out there and were going right

Let us go where no ones gone before

Let us go where no ones gone before

Let us go where

no ones gone before

Gallows opened the doors and walked in, followed by Jack. Virginia Maxwell, who sat behind the receptionist desk, tapping away on a typewriter, greeted the two. She looked up and smiled. "Good morning, Agent 003 and Agent Man in the Cowboy Hat."

"Mornin' Ginny." Gallows replied. "Any clue as to what today's mission is?"

"Anything juicy?" Jack asked as he threw his black cowboy hat to the coat rack. "Something filled with women with enormous b3wbs blasting things with big ass guns?"

Virginia shook her head. "I've no clue. But I know the new head of State wants to see you as soon as possible."

Gallows raised an eyebrow. "New Head of State? You mean that Maya, Irving, and Emma are no longer are bosses."

Jack sighed. "Well duh Gallows. All three of them got booted out in the last election! Didn't you watch the Daily Show at all?"

Gallows grinned. "Then I wonder who's waiting for us. Maybe they'll remember my latest stint where I SAVED THE WORLD!"

Jack and Virginia looked to each other, disappointed. Virginia groaned. "Man, he saves the world one time and you'll never be allowed to forget it."

"Yea I know." Jack agreed. "It's been two years since! Give it up already!"

Gallows turned back to the two, ignoring their sentiments completely. "So Jack, you ready to go in or what?"

Virginia raised a finger. "Just a warning though. The new leader recently found out what "anime" is and won't stop blabbing about it. So please just ignore it."

Jack looked to Gallows. "What a n00b. This should be fun."

"Right, well then, let's go!" Gallows started walking towards the new leaders office, but stopped before reaching for the doorknob. "Say Virginia, you done fanaticizing about Jet yet?"

Virginia sighed and gained a dreamy look in her eyes. "Jet's still the king of bishies… I wouldn't mind giving him a long sensual massage…"

Jack intervened, throwing himself almost into Virginia face. "By that you mean have sex with him!"

"Well duh!" Gallows rolled his eyes while grabbing the back of Jack's shirt. "Let's go."

The two left the waiting room, leaving Virginia by her self. After a moment, she checked both sides of the room. Besides Pooka, no one was there. And Pooka being there, there was still nobody there. Because Pooka is Pooka and no… any…body… God Damn you Pooka! Anyway, Virginia stealthily opened her desk drawer and pulled out a beaten and bloody "Dirty Mag", featuring Jet Enduro…

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"What the!" Both Gallows and Jack were in shock. For sitting before them, behind the broad oak desk, was none other than George W. Bush, leader of the free world.

"Hello and salutations. Please, have a seat gentlemen." George W. Bush waved his hand to point out two chairs.

Disturbed by this recent set of events, the two agents sat themselves down before the President. George W. Bush cleared his throat. "I don't know if you boys have seen that show Dragon Ball Z, but y'know, Raditz, is like a terrorist. He comes from a far away land, ruins your way of life, and steals your dragon balls. He's a threat to freedom, and I hope Goku kicks his ass. God Bless America, Stay the coarse!"

"But we live in Filgaia sir." Gallows stated.

"And Dragon Ball is like, for complete nubs. Come back and talk to me when you've watched Fist of the North Star." Jack crossed his arms across his chest before getting elbow jabbed by Gallows.

"Right. You're absolutely right." George W. Bush pointed out. "I'll be sure to do that. America needs Fist of the North Star. But more importantly, it needs Christmas."

"Filgaia." Gallows corrected.

"That's right. Absolutely right. Filgaia is the planet of freedom. Freedom, it starts with an F, like Filgaia, and it ends with an M, like Filgaia. It also has an R, an E, an E, a D and an O in it. Now, the reason I called you in here is to get Christmas back for America. We can't let the terrorists win again, we must pull through, like we did at 9-11." George W. Bush began ranting.

"Now what's all this hubbub about Christmas?" Jack inquired.

Gallows was still confused from George W. Bush's rant. He shook his head. "Yea? This Christmas thing."

"You see boys, Christmas has been stolen. We owe it to my homeboy Jesus to go get it back from whatever terrorist stole it. If I knew where they went, I'd send in the army, the army of freedom, and bomb the crap out of them. But I don't know where they went, and Dick Chenney won't tell me, so it's up to you two to find Christmas and bring it back. For Freedom. For America. Stay the course."

"It is December, isn't it. I should have known that a holiday special was coming." Jack groaned.

"Without Christmas, there's no Christmas parties. And without Christmas parties, there's no booze and women. Without booze and women, there's no easily getting laid! We can't live without easily getting laid! Think of all the people out there that need us!" Gallows stood up from his chair. "The college student without any social skills! The already married man who is tired of his wife! The man who invented beer goggles! And the Fan fiction writers! We have to do this! For Filgaia! For Jesus! We must restore Christmas parties!"

"You're right!" Jack stood up as well. "For chances to easily get laid!"

"It's good to see such enthusiasm, especially for my homeboy Jesus. God bless. Now, to explain things further…" George W. Bush pulled a pokeball from his pocket. "Condeleeza, I choose you!"

The poke'ball fell to the floor and did nothing. The three men stared at it. Jack shook his head. "Poke'mon? Seriously, go to Best Buy and get a DVD…"

The doors opened and one Clive Winslet walked in, carrying a suitcase. He stepped in before the two agents and shook their hands. "I'm Clive Winslett, but you can call me by my code name, "C"."

Jack leaned over to Gallows and whispered. "You think anyone will figure that one out?"

Clive cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. "Your mission parameters go like this. An enemy organization known as **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N** has stolen Christmas. Their motives are unknown and they've yet to make a statement regarding ant ransoms or ultimatums. It will be up to you two to retrieve Christmas with all costs! If your captured, take these…" Clive handed the two agents small pills.

"What do these do?" Gallows asked eyeing the pill.

"Nothing. Nothing at all. DON'T EAT IT UNLESS YOU GET CAUGHT. But they do nothing." Clive sweated.

"I wonder who these **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N** guys want. Hopefully there will be plenty of action and b3wbs on the way." Jack grinned.

"Any special tools for us, "C"?" Gallows asked.

"Nope. None at all!" Clive smiled. "Well I'll be seeing you. Intelligence, actually some guy on the street corner, points **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**'s last known position at Mount Zenom."

"Mount Zenom! Right! Let's Motor!" Gallows than turned around and briskly walked out of the office.

"Right! Gotta Jet!" Jack said as he too briskly walked out of the office.

George W. Bush looked to Clive. "Clive, vine whip attack! Go!"

Clive sighed and slumped his shoulders. "It's going to be a long administration…"

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Next time on L/I: Jack and Gallows end up in Colonel Kudaffi's secret base! Can the two escape the Nigerian WarLord of the 80's! Stay Tuned!

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It's now time for Lilka Says! Lilka says: Just because someone's a little different from you, doesn't mean that it's right to pick on him or her! Invite him or her to a game of soccer! You'll find that if you play your cards right, he'll take all the face shots for you!


	2. Aqua Wisp

**Chapter 2: Aqua Wisp**

Mount Zenom. A land of intrepid wilderness. A land of rocky crags and sheer cliffs. A land of bitter cold and crawling glaciers. A land of, well, you get the point by now, I'm sure.

Jack and Gallows were driving a dirt road through the desert in a small 4x4 jeep. It was painted green because some genius back at HQ thought that would be camouflage, on Filgaia, the desert planet. The wind was refreshing as it blew past, sending Gallows and Jacks long hair trailing behind them.

"So…" Gallows began. "What kind of place is this Mount Zenom?"

Jack furrowed his brow. "Weren't you listening at all? The narrator already described it for us."

Gallows frowned. "Sorry, sheesh. I was, you know, not paying attention. It's a free country."

"Is it?" Jack eyed his fellow agent. "Is it a free country? Can we do whatever we like Gallows? Huh? Huh?"

"Uh, yea." Gallows replied.

"Oh. Thanks for clearing that up." Jack replied. "Hey, look ahead!"

The Jeep stopped as the two stepped out of the car. Lying in the road before them was some kind of dead creature. It stank of rotten flesh and over all was a mess.

"And why did we get out of the jeep?" Gallows asked.

"Look at it. It's a reindeer." Jack crouched into the sand.

"Reindeer?" Gallows raised an eyebrow.

"Reindeer. Smaller kind of deer." Jack answered. "But this fella wouldn't be this far out unless…"

"Unless…" Gallows responded.

Just at that moment, an entire herd of reindeer emerged from the dry brush. It was an awesome sight as hundreds of the deer charged into the agents.

Gallows grabbed onto Jack as their impending doom came upon them. "I love you Sarge!"

The two were then trampled to death by the oncoming herd of festive holiday critters. BAD END…

All right, when was the last time anybody used a gimel coin? Honestly, you never seem to have one around when you need one, but when you don't need em; you get 99 of them. Then when you try using opening a treasure box, you can't 'cus you're already maxed out on gimel coins. Then you forget about the treasure chest and then when you do the black box mission, you're missing a box and you can't remember where it was! So then you go spend all of your gimel coins on an EX-file key in the Elw dimension and now you can't seem to find ANY gimel coins at all! So then you tackle the abyss with like four gimel coins and-

"We get the point!" Jack roared. Apparently the two of them had been spared death.

"Yea, but just barely." Gallows rubbed his head. The two were covered in deer prints. "Well that was a random thing to run into…"

"Well it is a Christmas special and… hold a tick!" Jack suddenly got an idea.

"Yea?" Gallows asked.

"Hold on, I'm still thinking. That's why I told you to hold on." Jack placed a finger to his lip.

"Uh huh." Gallows then looked to where the reindeer had come from. Before him lied a great mountain, however, unlike say, previous description, it was covered in tropical trees and shrubbery. The sounds of birds and monkeys resounded from the peak. Agent 003 pulled out the map and stared long and hard.

"O.K! If the reindeer were here, then that means that Christmas can't be too far off!" Jack finally announced. "We must be near Mount Zenom!"

"Yea, like right in front of it!" Gallows pointed to the peak.

"Huh?" Jack shielded his eyes with his hand. "I coulda swore that Mount Zenom was like, covered with snow."

"Well let's blame global warming and call it a day." Gallows stood up and dusted off his knees. "Now! Let's go find some evil!"

The two hopped back into the jeep and with a turn of a key, the engine came back to life. The jeep then put-putted its way into the deep dark jungle.

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Night had come to the peak and with it some heavy rain. This was most unexpected because (A) it's Filgaia we're talking about here and (B) well, that's pretty much it. Unfortunately, the two secret agents were without hats (Jack had left his hat at the Chateaux like an idiot) and the jeep lacked a roof. So the two drove through the muddy trails being poured upon. This did not make them any happier than the mosquitoes or the humidity.

"This sucks. I mean, what the hell?" Gallows fumed through his soaking wet clothes.

"Yea I know. " Jack replied. "Couldn't get much worse than this."

"No! You fool!" Gallows lunged to cover Jack's mouth, but it was too late. Jack had uttered those words and now they could only wait for the inevitable. The Jeep then died on the spot.

"Haven't you seen ANY movie at all!" Gallows roared.

Jack sighed and stared at the high beams piercing the brush. "It seemed like the right thing to say."

"It's a pointless expression, a cliché that's used only by habit." Gallows suddenly sounded intelligent.

The rain continued to pour. Jack leaned on the steering wheel. "**G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**… who could those bastids be? Maybe we should start walking."

"It's dark out Jack. You know what they say happens in jungles after dark." Gallows replied.

"…Carnival?" Jack replied.

"…You know, you're right. There's probably a party going on!" Gallows smiled.

"Well let's go for it then! Maybe **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N** is at the party!" Jack became optimistic. "Can't be much worse than staying here."

Gallows growled. "You've gone and done it again! Never say those words!"

It was too late, yet again. At first the reverberations were small, simply creating a vibration in the passengers of the jeep. But then they became stronger. Jack eyed a puddle that had formed under the windshield on the dashboard. Small ripples undulated from the center outward. "Uh, Gallows…"

Gallows swallowed, reaching for his trusty PP7. "Yea?"

"Do you… feel that?" Jack asked.

THUMP. Now it was audible. A few birds took off into the dark storm.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Gallows whispered to his partner.

"That we get the hell out of here?"

THUMP! The sound of mud squishing and plants being crushed followed. The trees began to sway for whatever was coming.

"No." Gallows bit his lip as water ran down his nose. "That Green and Red Bagels would be the perfect Christmas idea…"

Jack just gave Gallows the oddest look before the brush separated for the colossal beast. The two men instantly looked up into the rain-drenched skies to see an enormous reptile looming over them. It stood on two read legs while it kept its two arms tucked under its massive brown chest. A giant set of jaws were sitting in the huge horned head, eyes searching for trespassers… or worse… prey.

Gallows swallowed and turned to Jack. "Th-that's a dinosaur."

Jack shook his head. "No. That's a Denogenos."

The Denogenos, as Jack called it, snorted rainwater from its nostrils and continued scanning the forest with its yellow, cold-blooded eyes.

Gallows watched the creature cautiously, not daring to move. "The hell is a Denogenos?"

"You're the Baskar. Didn't you pay attention to anything they taught you?" Jack whispered harshly.

"No. What's a Denogenos?" Gallows replied. He'd been asked this question too many times to take it seriously anymore.

"It's the guardian of the summit. I saw it on the Discovery Channel once." Jack answered. "Too bad we don't have a shaman with us…"

"Who needs a shaman?" Gallows grinned. "When you have a Baskar! We invented the whole thing!" Gallows then stood up out of his seat, immediately attracting Denogenos' attention. The beast snorted and growled, with each step, the mountain shook once more. "Hey Denogenos! Become a medium for me!" Gallows shouted.

Jack rolled out of the jeep and into the mud. "Gallows! Freeze!"

Denogenos, it seemed, did not care who Gallows was or if he was a Baskar. With a loud roar, the enormous beast trotted the few steps and bit down on Gallows meek torso, then proceeding to shake it through the air until it was nice, tender, and full of broken bones. The creature then proceeded to flipping whatever was left into the air and then wolfing it all down as it fell into its gaping mouth. BAD END.

Let's try that gimel coin once more.

Jack rolled out of the jeep and into the mud. "Gallows! Freeze!"

Gallows leaped from the jeep into the mud beside Jack as Denogenos ripped into the jeep. The holy beast found the leather chairs quite tasty and set into tearing them from the rest of the vehicle. Gallows looked to Jack. "Freeze huh?"

Jack shrugged. "I saw it in a movie once." He then noticed the wet mud all over him. "Oh damn, there goes this suit."

"We've got more important things to worry about, but I agree. My tux is ruined." A tired soared through the brush. "How do we get past Denogenos here?"

"I bet **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N** sicked him on us." Jack rubbed his chin. He then noticed a couple of flares lying in the mud. "Hey! That gives me an idea!"

"What! What's your fabulous idea?" Gallows whispered.

Jack shoved the flares into Gallows' hands. "Light these and run down the mountain trail. I'll head on up and take care of **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N** and any parties.

"That doesn't sound fair." Gallows narrowed his soaking eyebrows.

"Life isn't fair. Now go!" Jack then shoved Gallows crouching body onto the trail. Denogenos stopped his car munching to notice the human before him. Gallows' knees began to shake as Denogenos let out a frightening roar.

"It's all for Christmas. It's all for Christmas…" Gallows muttered under his breath. He flipped the cap on the first flare, immediately setting it to life. Bright sparks emitted from the rod and pink smoke rose. Denogenos was paying close attention, like a cat to a hanging piece of string. Gallows smiled. "Here guardian guardian guardian. Come get your toy!" Gallows then stated to run down the trail. Denogenos snorted and let out a reptilian cry of glee, shaking the earth as it began to follow the homo sapien.

"Heh, he called you a homo." Jack smirked as he quietly began to creep up the mountain trail towards the summit.

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Gallows ran and ran; however Denogenos was catching up. All this mud, rain, and the fact that he was running downhill didn't help one bit. Denogenos was becoming dangerously close and Gallows didn't wish to become another snack. He then threw the flares as far as he could ahead of him and slipped, landing in the mud on his back and sliding a bit before Denogenos overtook him, the giant creature running in full sprint ahead of him. Gallows let out a sigh of relief. He was now about 79 percent covered in mud. Gallows waited a bit for Denogenos to completely disappear in the foliage before getting up. He turned over and got to his knees when the thudding came back. Gallows sweat joined with the rainwater on his face as he peered over his shoulder. Down the trail emerged Denogenos, flares in his set of seven-inch teeth. Denogenos stood there behind Gallows, wagging his enormous tail and staring at the man. Gallows had no clue what was going on until Denogenos dropped the flares into the mud before him. The guardian continued to stand there, wagging its tail patiently.

Apprehensively, Gallows reached for the flares. Gallows grimaced, as they were covered in mud and guardian drool. Eewww! He picked one up and looked to Denogenos, whose attention was fixated upon the flare. "You- You want to play fetch?" Gallows asked. This was kinda weird. Denogenos was wagging his tail so hard that his rear end was shaking as well. Gallows stood up, watching Denogenos watch the flare. "Play fetch! Play fetch! Here stupid! Get the stick!" Gallows then threw the flare beyond Denogenos. The best roared as it turned around and chased the flare into the night once more. The agent then turned and started booking up the slope, towards whatever party Jack was at.

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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Jack and Gallows are in for a surprise. It turns out the tomb their raiding is really a Hollywood movie set! Who's tricking who on the next episode of L/I!

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It's now time for Lilka Says! Lilka says: Sharing can be fun and profitable! Share you CD collection with friends and maybe they'll share with you! Then you can burn them all onto your computer and never buy another CD again. It's not freeloading, it's sharing!

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	3. Fiery Rage

**Chapter 3: Fiery Rage**

Last time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Jack and Gallows were in for a surprise. It turned out the tomb they were raiding was really a Hollywood movie set! Who was tricking whom! And now for the conclusion…

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The foliage was thick and covered in droplets of rainwater. Roots and vines blocked the way of any wanderer. Thorns and pricklies became nasty obstacles for those who would dare climb the muddy face of Mount Zenom. What a minute? Isn't Mount Zenom supposed to be a frozen peak? I swear, fan fiction writers these days, just messing things up for no apparent reason. The night had gone and now dawn was climbing over the treetops. The rain too had long vanished, leaving in its wake humidity and a muggy morning. The calls of frogs and birds echoed throughout the canopy, awakening one Jack Van Burace.

The mud-covered man had mysteriously changed out of his tux into more suitable clothing. A pair of jeans, a black muscles shirt, and leather coat to go over. He yawned and looked groggily at his surroundings. Not a hot babe in sight. Jack reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a toothbrush and some toothpaste, a bar of soap, and some cologne. Hey, even in the jungles of… mount Zenom… an Agent must look his best. And thus the man without the cowboy hat marched down a muddy trail towards a stream.

Sitting at the stream, taking in their morning drink, were six or seven green Gila Monsters. Not that they looked anything like an actual Gila Monster, they were more along the lines of the Tatzulwurm in the evolutionary tree of Filgaia. In fact, they resembled Tatzulwurms so much that one would think the only difference was their color. Jack stared cautiously through the brush, toothbrush ready. You wouldn't think it, but the Fast Draw can apply to anything hard and elongated. Wow that sounded dirty. So Jack was sitting their, thinking that God must have been really lazy with about half of the animals on Filgaia as they were all recolors, when those creatures finally got up and left. Probably to skulk about and attack any humans that came by. One does wonder how on Filgaia an animal could survive by doing simply that, or in fact, how these creatures survive at all anywhere on Filgaia.

Now that Jack thought about it, the ecosystem for Filgaia was one messed up mother. You couldn't take more then six or seven steps without an encounter with a large carnivorous beast. There's just no way that could be! Where are all the herbivores? Carnivores are supposed to eat herbivores! The laws of predator prey relations were shattered all over the place! The prey population is supposed to out number the predator population, but that is clearly not the case! And without prey, shouldn't the carnivores all be starving to death? Clearly there can't be enough human travelers to keep the population levels of these monsters this high! And it hasn't broken down to the point where the carnivores are eating each other yet either, for when traveling the Wasteland, these monsters would often pair up with another species of carnivore in order to bring down a human. Even if they did just eat each other when no one was looking there would be no way for the population to survive. An animal needs phytochemicals to live, and you get them from plants. If the carnivores aren't eating herbivores (because they aren't any), then where are they getting the phytochemicals! The fact that Filgaia is a desert planet combined with the notion that they are no vast populations of large herbivores should equal not enough resources for any reasonable population of large carnivore. And yet the planets practically crawling with two-ton meat eating giant animals! Jack's head began to spin from this entire ridiculous debate when the tree behind him came crashing down!

Jack spun around and was about to perform some serious Laser Silhouette with the might toothbrush when he discovered it was no Tatzulwurm recolor attacking, it was none other than the king of the hill, Denogenos! Jack gulped and slowly backed down as the lizard Guardian stared him, jaws agape. Did this mean that Gallows was eaten and without a gimel coin! What to do? Jack then froze. If he didn't move, Denogenos wouldn't see him. Maybe.

However, much to Jacks surprise, Denogenos wasn't here for breakfast. The enormous supernatural reptile brought its six-foot head to Jacks face and gave him a big lick. It then stepped backward and wagged its huge tail back and forth, letting out a playful growl. Jack's heart nearly stopped.

"Hey Jack! Have fun at that party you went to without me!" Gallows stepped out from behind Denogenos, an angry look on his face.

"G-Gallows! What the hell is going on!" Jack fell backwards into the brush.

Gallows smiled. "Fido here just wanted a friend." He then took out the flare from mysteriously no where (its spark long dead) and threw it into the forest. The earth began to shake with every step Denogenos made as it turned around and sprinted after it, breaking trees and branches along the way. "So about that party…"

Jack rubbed the back of his head as Gallows helped him back up. "There wasn't any party. All I could find was Pooka, and well, Pooka doesn't count."

"Yea? Well I found this!" Gallows made a V sign and grinned. He then reached into their cosmic inventory and pulled out a piece of paper. "I found it at an abandoned base camp. I'm pretty sure it's from **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**!"

Jack eyed the wet piece of parchment. Whatever was on it was in some alien language. Well, by alien I mean foreign, not from Outer Space. "How do you know it's from **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**? It looks like rubbish to me."

"Because," Gallows began "There was a sign that said, 'This is not **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**'s secret base. Go Away'. I used the concept of reverse psychology to tell that that really was G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N's base."

"Oh…" Jack rubbed his chin. So does that mean when Elmina tells you not tonight, she really means take me, I'm yours?"

"Sure does!" Gallows nodded. "Right, so our only clue to the whereabouts of G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N is this piece of paper! We must get it translated at all costs! To guild Galad!"

DUNANANANANA NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

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Guild Galad! The Skyscraper City! A city known for its vastness, largeness, and overall bigness. Huge, gray buildings rose into the air from the paved earth, from which hundreds of people all walked the sidewalks and the streets were filled with cars. Cars? Yes, cars. (The opening scene for Ashley involved cars, remember! Woah, Déjà vu.) The beat of the street was funkified fresh and dope and kickin. Many hot dog vendors and pretzel carts lined the corners, the murmur of thousands of people, the honking of horns, the smell of exhaust, the heat of the sun, and the shadows of skyscrapers all marked Guild Galad.

Gallows stood in the middle of the sidewalk, obstructing pedestrian traffic, hands on hips and a grin on his face. Jack stood behind him, holding a map and trying for the life of him to figure out where the heck they were. It was Christmas time, well if they could save Christmas, but for those who were blissfully unaware that Christmas had been stolen, it was time to shop. And shop. And shop. All the stores were proclaiming "BUY" and the shoppers eagerly agreed. This reminded out heroes that they must work quickly, for if Christmas isn't retrieved, then all this spending would be wasted!

"So how are we going to find a translator?" Jack rubbed his blond hair with a hand. "This isn't like Hong Kong or London where the stores are in assigned districts."

"Hong Kong? London? What are you talking about?" Gallows raised an eyebrow as he looked over his shoulder at Jack.

"Oh right. Filgaia." Jack smiled, embarrassed. "But back to finding this translator guy."

Gallows grinned even wider. "We ask, of course!"

"Ask who!" Jack growled.

"Anybody! Keep a notebook handy, we may have to write down what people say!" Gallows then turned to an old woman walking by. Well, maybe she wasn't OLD old, but she was no spring Chicken. "Excuse me."

Aunt Myra stopped in her tracks, her holiday bags weighing her down. "What is it!"

"Do you know anybody that can translate this?" Gallows showed the woman the piece of paper.

Aunt Myra lanced over the paper. "I've no idea. Try asking someone at a barber shop." She then hurried off to wherever she was going.

Gallows turned back to Jack. "Did you get all of that?"

Jack finished jotting it down. "…Barber… shop. So, which barber shop?"

"We'll just to try all of them!" Gallows then pulled out the map from Jack's coat pocket. "We'll start with the one on 34th and Pleasant!"

Jack groaned. "It's going to be a long day."

Let the musical montage begin! (Fat Boy Slim's Weapon of Choice)

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And a long day it was. After about seventeen barbershops, Becky at Becky's Hair Kingdom told them that someone at a Chinese Restaurant might know. Well that just narrowed it down by none! In fact it just expanded the search, as there was a Chinese Restaurant on every block. Jack suspected it might be some sort of Guild Galad law for there to be a Chinese restaurant on every block, that way whenever the mayor went for a walk and suddenly felt like Chinese, he wouldn't have to walk far. Well at "Shining Dragon Lucky Jade Star Garden Chinese Number One", Dennis, who didn't look even remotely Chinese, directed them towards a shop with a talking bird in it. Thanks for nothing Dennis! And thus the two began to search for shops with talking birds. This included pet stores, bird stores, pirate stores, tropical stores, novelty stores, and specialty stores. Some time later, our heroes found "Volks Postcard Emporium", where Volks was sitting in a stool next to a cash register, and a green parrot on a perch. Upon inquiring on the subject of the alien code, Volks directed Gallows and Jack to seek out a gang of rough kids known as the "Texas Ranger" who hang out at the Beverly Hills Wharf around 7:00 after dark. How Volks came across the information and why he knew it was beyond the two, but they simply shrugged and headed for the Beverly Hills Wharf.

Once there, the two set to beating the crap out of two young kids and their friends. David and Belleana admitted defeat after getting their asses kicked and told them they should seek out Borgnine. No indication of where Borgnine was, but it was a name. Gallows and Jack then set on their new quest to finding Borgnine and searched the city until eleven o clock, where Gallows thought they should get some rest. No real reason why, just did. So the two went to the "Welcome Inn" and stayed free because Joy had set up a good word with them. However they owed the innkeeper thirty bucks. The next day, in order to pay the man back, the two helped Herman operate his Lucky Hit stand. Lucky Hit is a dumb game where you drop a ball from the top of a pin maze and hope it ends up in the right pocket at the bottom. After making next to nothing and wasting time, the agents then began searching for Borgnine. After what seemed like an eternity, Sterling at "Good Auto Parts" pointed them in the direction of "Borgnine and Borgnine". Once on the other side of town and kicking themselves for missing the painfully obvious, Borgnine proved to be about as much help as Dennis. They would have to defeat Kung- Fu master Emelia at Central Park. Cursing their luck. The two set out to Central Park but found a kitten in a box on the way. They fed it some tuna and an optional sidequest opened up. They decided to decline on the offer and focus on finding Emelia. Emelia, unlike everyone else in the stupid city, proved quite easy to find. The ARMs meister was practicing Chen style Tai-Chi. Gallows did one on one battle with Emelia and was victorious! Button mashing at its best. Emelia disclosed to them that she would tell them only if they could discover the four Wude. O.K, this is getting ridiculous. So then Gallows and Jack, becoming quite irritated with this whole thing, ran around town and talked to as many martial artists as they could to discover toe four Wude. Some time later, the two returned to Central Park and told Emelia of the four Wude. Keeping to her word, Emelia told them some more useless information. Jacks notebook was starting to get full.

Emelia told them to seek out Putnam, but Putnam has been in exile for some time due to his destructive fighting capabilities. Gallows and Jack really didn't care about all that, they just wanted a damn translator. So in order to get in contact with Putnam, they would have to get a hold of him with Chawan Sign. What the hell was Chawan Sign? Well in order to find THAT out, they had to track down Armengard at "Blissful Ignorance Tea Stand". Chawan Sign turned out to be some kind of ancient Chinese way of communicating with the placement of four teacups. OH! O.K, so the two heroes than ran back to Emelia in Central Park, beat her again, and learned what Putnam's Chawan Sign was. Afterwards, towards the later part of the day, the two sat themselves at Armengard's Tea Place and arranged the four teacups in a set manner and waited, and waited, and waited. After a bit, both were snoozing, when a mysterious person tapped Gallows shoulder and left a piece of paper on the table. The paper read "Meet me at Red Hills Coffee Shop at noon tomorrow." Well, with nothing else to do, they went back to the Welcome Inn and paid the keeper his money plus the current night.

The next day, the two were standing outside the Red Hills Coffee Shop right before noon. Gallows looked to Jack and sighed. "So what do we got so far?"

Jack flipped open the notebook and scanned the chicken scratch. "Too much. Read the above text."

"Sheesh." Gallows started for the door. Hopefully this Putnam can answer our question.

The two stepped in to the coffee shop. Nobody was in save a blonde man wearing a straw hat and a vest. He nodded towards the two. Jack and Gallows sat themselves down before the man with much haste.

"I understand that you are trying to contact me…" Putnam started.

"Yea, y'see…" Gallows pulled out the paper.

"I've locked myself away in exile for many years. " Putnam ignored them. "My hands have killed too many men for me to ever atone."

"That's nice, you see this paper-" Gallows interrupted.

"The Gangs here are choking the city, even I can see it. But there's nothing I can do. I've sworn off fighting, you see."

"Uh huh, say, look at this paper."

"Don't bother asking me to help you finish off the gangs. My hands can never help, only demolish…"

Jack suddenly barked. "We're not here for that ya idjit! We need this piece of paper translated and everyone told us to talk to you!"

Putnam shrugged and took the paper. "It seems to be some kind of foreign language…"

"No duh!" Gallows replied.

Putnam handed the sheet of paper back. "You need to talk to Gunther of "Gunther's Translations" on Translation Street."

Gallows and Jack were too shocked to speak. The old man was about to become a dead man.

Jack shook it off. "Why didn't I see this coming? Come on let's go!"

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Once at Gunther's, they handed the paper to the man in a yellow vest. He peered at it for a bit and then brought the paper to a mirror. "Ah, this is it!"

"What's it!" Gallows asked.

"It's English written backwards. Hold it to a mirror and it's readable."

Jack and Gallows were too shocked too speak. The man in yellow as about to become a very dead man in yellow.

Gallows ripped the paper from Gunther and read it. "Christmas will be shipped to Thunder Lion Cage. Signed, **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**! P.S: Hahahahahaha!" Gallows turned to the other two. "Damnit! And we wasted all this time here!"

"Well, let's get a move on! To Thunder Lion Cage!" Jack announced. "Hopefully there will be a women or two on the way."

"I know how you feel." Gallows sighed.

"The translation will be five hundred Gella." Gunther spoke up.

A very dead man in yellow…

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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Gallows and Jack are invited to a party on Dead Man's Island. However at this party, no one is having fun! Can Jack and Gallows get off alive! Find out next time on L/I!

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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: Translations can be fun, but annoying! Hey this one actually matches up to the chapter! My name is actually Riruka and Florina actually doesn't have a name in the Japanese version of Wild ARMs 3! Translations can be fun! Zeikfreid started as Zeikfreid in the original Wild ARMs, but Media. Vision changed it to the proper Germanic spelling for Wild ARMs 3 and Alter Code:F. Square Soft translated it as Seigfreid (the right way) for Advanced the 3rd, but Agetec returned it to the original spelling (the wrong way) for Alter Code:F! Artbooks are so informative!

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	4. Gale Claw

**Chapter 4: Gale Claw**

Last time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Working at Telepath tower, Virginia managed to decode some Alien coding. Alien contact has been achieved. The coding, however, is really a blueprint for some kind of machine! And now for the thrilling and heartfelt conclusion…

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Agent 003 Gallows Carradine and Agent Man in the Cowboy Hat Jack Van Burace stood in the sand, watching the dark sea crash into the beach under gray skies. The wind whipped at the foam, carrying it into the breeze by Gallows and Jacks hair. It looked as if a storm were about to burst from the sky.

"Gallows?" Jack asked, not taking his eyes from the ocean horizon.

"Yea Jack?" Gallows replies, he too keeping his gaze fixated upon the sea.

"We're going to need a boat." Jack said.

"We sure are." Gallows responded.

Suddenly a bolt of lightning struck the beach before them, knocking the two off guard. Forming from the smoke and dust was a cat. OR a short man. Or a short cat man. He was dressed oddly enough, in old English clothing. Not there was an old England on Filgaia, mind you. The cat's eyes shone and he gave a toothy smile. "Hello and Salutations, Agents." He bowed. "I am Dan Daraim, agent of **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**"

Gallows and Jack stepped back, ready for combat. Gallows was about to draw the PP7 and Jack the toothbrush. "**G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N** is made up of talking cats?"

"No you stupid bugger." Dan Daraim growled. "I'm the talking cat. Actually, cats are the non-talking version of me. For you see, as the Guardian of time, I came first."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "They had sissy fox-hunting limey clothes at the beginning of time?"

"What! Oh, my attire. No they didn't, but seeing how I'm the guardian of time, I simply went to the future and got clothing." Dan Daraim explained.

"Huh?" Gallows and Jack were confused.

Dan Daraim shook his furry little head. "This is beyond the point. I've come to stop you from reaching Thunder Lion Cage. Christmas is ours!"

"Why do you and **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.**N want Christmas any ways?" Jack asked. "Are you really a scrooge?"

"Silence you ape!" Dan Daraim drew a rapier. "I am not at liberty to disclose that information to you morons! However, I have more than enough permission to slice you into ribbons! Have at you!" Dan Daraim lunged foreword with the rapier, practicing what looked like a highly practiced and polish form of fencing.

The agents dodged in time. Jack drew his blade (not the toothbrush) and clashed steel. His strength was far superior to that of the sissy foxhunting cat, but the cat proved more maneuverable. Dan Dariam easily slid out of danger and back to position of safety. He licked his lips and lunged again. Jack parried the blow and shoved Dan Daraim backwards. It was a battle of steel, a draw of swords. Who was more skilled here: the Fast Draw or the Fencing Technique? The clashed again, and again, and again. Jacks weight bearing down on the rapier, the guardian resisting. It was then when Gallows shot Dan Daraim. The guardian dropped the rapier and fell to his knees in the cold sand.

Dan Daraim saw the blood ooze from the wound in his chest. The shot had penetrated all the way through. He turned angrily to Gallows. "You- You cheater! You dirty coward! You have interrupted the sacred battle of swords!"

"Sorry?" Gallows shrugged.

"Dan Daraim hissed. "A curse on you for defiling such a thing!"

"But… isn't Equitess the guardian of swords?" Gallows asked.

"Gallows! I'm shocked, you actually know something about guardians!" Jack grinned.

"Yea, yea. Look are you gonna die now or what?" Gallows shrugged it off.

"It certainly appears so, yet I do not know how, seeing how I am a guardian and all. Curse mortality!" Dan Daraim was puzzled. "Solus Emsu, take me now!" And then the pussycat dissolved into light and faded away.

"Well that was easy." Jack remarked.

"Thanks to me." Gallows smiled.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Dan Daraim's voice boomed from the skies. "Even when I am no more, you cannot win! I've taken the liberty of smashing every boat this side of Court Seim!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack fell to his knees and reached to the skies. "Damn you! Now we'll have to swim to Thunder Lion Cage!"

Gallows wagged a finger. "Not at all, Jack. That guardian may think he got us…" Gallows then looked to Jack. "But we'll just fly there!"

Jack looked confused. "And how? We don't have the Gullwing or Lombardia or the Highwind or Ragnarok or the Hilda Garde or…"

"We don't need those!" Gallows then turned away from the sea and looked up at a dark castle standing on a cliff against the gray skies. "We'll ride broomsticks! To Sielje: School of witchcraft and wizardry!"

Lightning flashed and thunder roared. Jack could tell his wasn't going to like this.

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Sielje was a magic school. They taught magic there, hence magic school. But it was also a magic school in the sense of the castle being enchanted. Stairways mysteriously rearranged themselves; paintings sprang to life and ghosts wandered between the students and faculty. The students were dressed in black robes with yellow and red scarves wrapped around their necks with little emblems on their outfits.

Inside a certain classroom, students of about the age of fourteen or so chatted amongst themselves until a teacher walked in. The teacher was a young man with blue hair and blue eyes. He wore a black robe but huge gloves sticking it from underneath them. He coughed and turned to the class. They immediately silenced themselves. A murmur of "Good morning Professor Winchester" rolled into the room.

Professor Winchester smiled. "Good morning class. Today we're going to learn about transformations. But first, let me introduce two new students." Gallows and Jack walked in the room, both of them much taller than anyone in the class, "Please welcome Gaylord and Zacx."

A giggle went around the room at the mention of Gallows code name. He frowned. "Yo." That is what the kids are saying these days, right?

"Now class, even though they're a bit older than you are, I want you to treat them well. Now, Gaylord, Zacx, go pick a seat."

"Ooh! Ooh! Sit here!" A young girl with brown hair waved. Gallows swallowed. He knew this girl. He knew her all too well.

Jack and Gallows took their seats aside the girl. Jack immediately set to whispering. "What are you doing here Lilka!"

Lilka blinked. "I always go here! What are you two doing here? Don't tell me you're here to perfect your magic too!"

"We're here undercover!" Gallows whispered harshly. "Don't blow it!"

Professor Winchester tapped his cane against the podium. "Lilka, Zacx, Gaylord! Quiet down now!"

"Yes sir." The three uttered.

"Now to transform," Professor Winchester began, "One must focus and shout the words written in your book. I'll show you how it's done." Professor Winchester stood back and waved his wand in the air while muttering a few words. Smoke suddenly filled the room. The students stared hard until the fog dissipated, revealing the black Knight Blazer. Everyone in the class clapped heartily as Knight Blazer took a bow.

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"Wow, that class was great." Jack exclaimed. "Well, until Knight Blazer began eating the students."

"It happens." Lilka whistled like it was no big deal. "So what house are you guys in! I hope you're in Gale Claw! We're the best!"

House?" Gallows questioned.

"Don't you guys know anything?" Lilka said as the three passed the cafeteria. "Sielje has four houses: Terra Roar, Aqua Wisp, Fiery Rage, and Gale Claw! Everyone knows Gale Claw is the best house! We've won the Magical Bowling cup four years in a row!"

"Magical Bowling?" Gallows questioned again.

"Jeebs!" Lilka rolled her eyes. "Magical Bowling is like normal Bowling except that you're on flying broomsticks and other people are trying to knock you off!"

"Gallows, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Jack asked.

"Thinking?" Gallows questioned yet again.

Jack sighed. "We enter this Magical Bowling thing and then steal the magical brooms!"

"Sounds like a plan, Stan!" Gallows smiled.

"Right! And I'll help you guys, seeing how we're all war buddies!" Lilka grinned.

"Is war buddy the right word?" Gallows was puzzled.

"WAHAHAHAHA!" The trio turned behind them to see a blonde woman in uniform with a tall witch's hat. She laughed with a hand by her face. "Well if it isn't Lilka? The half Crest Sorceress!"

Lilka shook with rage as she turned to meet her assailant. "Shut up Naya!"

"Naya?" Gallows and Jack looked to each other.

"Honestly, I don't even know why you're still here Lilka? You'll never be the sorceress that I am! You should just go home!" 'Naya' exclaimed.

"Wait a minute!" Jack shouted. "You're not 'Naya'! You're former President Maya Shroedinger in Witch form!"

Gallows strained his eyes at the shocked woman and then to Jack. "Woah dude. You weren't even in Wild ARMs Advanced the 3rd and you figured it out."

Maya stepped back, a sweat drop appearing on her brow. "I-I don't know what you're talking about! You're all just a bunch of losers!" She then called to the room beside her. "Rodd, Halfred! Come here!"

Coming from said room was a young blonde boy in uniform with a panda backpack and a tall man with an enormous Afro and purple tinted glasses. "Yes ma'am!" They barked.

"Let's beat these punks up! The sight of Losers sickens me!" Maya commanded.

The three of them whipped out their wands and smiled. Lilka swallowed and readied hers. Gallows and Jack would have joined if they had wands. They then stepped back.

Yet even before they could start conjuring and uttering odd phrases, none other than Headmaster Anje interrupted the six. The nun shouted "Expelliarmus" drawing all of the wands to her fingers. Maya, Todd, Alfred, and Lilka swallowed. Anje shook her head and spoke angrily. "There are rules here children! Fights, magical or otherwise, are not allowed here at Sielje! Lilka, I thought you at least would have known this!"

The four wand users looked at their shoes. "We're sorry…"

"But it was them who started it!" Gallows stepped forward, defending his friend.

Anje looked at him. "Excuses don't matter. I would stay out of this unless you too would like punishment!"

Gallows stepped back sheepishly. "Yes ma'am."

Anje looked over to Lilka. "Now is this true?" Lilka nodded. "Well then, because of this incident, Gale Claw loses three points!" Maya immediately began sticking her tongue out at Lilka. "However," Anje started, eyeing Maya. Maya immediately closed her trap. "Fiery Rage loses five!"

"F-five!" Maya replied.

"Perhaps this will remind you not to pick fights! Now back to your dorms" And with that, Anje walked off.

Maya and her cronies immediately set to the dirty looks and growls at Lilka before huffing off to wherever it is that Fiery Rage students go.

Lilka looked up to Gallows. "Thanks, Gallows. Why don't you guys stay with Gale Claw? That way you can bunk with me!"

"You mean there's co-ed dorms?" Jack asked. "Sweet!"

"Lead on!" Gallows grinned as well, as Lilka was once again too young to realize what they were thinking. If Maya was here, maybe some babes within legal ranges would be there as well.

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Nope. No women in site. There was nobody in the small room save Pooka, and Pooka doesn't count. Jack and Gallows sighed as the filed in. Lilka flitted happily behind them. "This is my room! Normally my room mate would be here too, but she's broken her leg during Magical Bowling, so she's in the infirmary!"

"Broken her leg?" Jack asked. "How dangerous is Magical Bowling?"

"Oh very!" Lilka replied. "We've had seventeen deaths this year!"

"And nobody's sued!" Gallows was astonished. "Well, we have to do it anyway, so we can get those broomsticks and fly to Thunder Lion Cage! We have to retrieve Christmas!"

"Retrieve Christmas?" Lilka asked. "Was Christmas stolen!"

"Now don't panic Lilka. That's what we're doing, saving Christmas." Jack smiled.

Tears began to well in Lilka's eyes. "Who would steal Christmas! The scrooges! We have to have Christmas or there will be no good cheer, or love on Earth, or most importantly, no presents!"

"That's why it's so impotent that we get those broomsticks!" Gallows raised a fist in the air.

"That's imperative." Jack corrected. "We gotta get in that Magical Bowling tournament!"

"There's one tomorrow!" Lilka leaped up. "We can play for Gale Claw!"

"We?" Gallows raised an eyebrow. "You're on the team?"

Lilka nodded. "There's three people per team, and since one of our players is down, we need another one!"

"Then that leaves one of us out." Jack crossed his arms across his chest.

"Not to worry!" Lilka said. "I'll take care of it!" She then walked to her bureau and took out a heavy wrench. "I'll be right back. "Whistling, she walked past our heroes and out the door. After a few minutes a loud bonk followed by a blood curdling scream came from the hall. Lilka came back into the room, blood dripping from her wrench. "The other guy has a broken leg too, so we can all play!"

Jack and Gallows glanced to each other. Lilka had learned more from Marivel in their last adventure than they thought.

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The stadium was packed with every student in school. Thousands of cheering fans awaited their blood sport: Magical Bowling. On the field there were a number of lanes with pins, each dedicated to a certain house. However, there was only one ball. It was the job of the players to steal the ball and score before time ran out. A more ridiculously dumb and dangerous sport had never been played before.

Jack, Gallows, and Lilka were wearing in the dug out, awaiting the start of the game. They had been given flying magical brooms, and Jack and Gallows were about to ditch the scene.

Gallows turned to Lilka, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You do know that we're going to LOSE the game, right?"

Lilka nodded. "Yea. I know Gale Claw will hate me for the rest of my existence, but as long Christmas is saved, I don't mind…"

Such selflessness, such generosity, such heart! It brought spirit to Gallows and Jack. Jack gripped the broom. "You know what, let's win this thing. We can always fly off right after."

Lilka gasped. "Jack! Are you sure? What about Christmas!"

Gallows readied his protective goggles. "Christmas can wait for now. We're going to help you, Lilka!"

"Aww, guys! I love you two!" Lilka gave the two a great big hug. Then, a great noise bellowed through the dug out. It was time to play.

"Let's win this thing!" Gallows flashed an award-winning grin.

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"And the score is, Fiery Rage fifteen, Gale Claw, zero!" The announcer shouted after a fierce game of Magical Bowling. "The winner is Fiery Rage!"

"Well, we can't say we didn't try…" Gallows shrugged, receiving angry looks from his two teammates.

Maya flew over the down trodden trio, her cronies not far behind. "Wahahaha! Looks like you losers lose again, because that's what losers do; lose!"

"Yea, well, your mom…" Jack replied. He's the king of come backs, you know.

Maya was taken aback. Never in her life had any one insulted her this greatly. A vein appeared on her forehead as she grated her teeth. "Watch what you say, Gale Claw slime! Take that back before I cast something nasty on you!"

"Make me!" Jack stuck out his tongue.

"My lady perhaps it would be wise not to cause any more harm to Fiery Rage…" Todd said.

"We've lost enough points already!" Alfred exclaimed.

"I don't care! Incendio!" Maya sent a fireball flying towards Jack. Jack didn't have time to flee. He was trapped before the oncoming fireball!

"Finite Incantatem" Lilka flew up and cast a spell, causing the fireball to vanish! "If you wanna pick a fight, pick one with an actual magic user!"

"So wait, Maya casted Cremate, right? And then Lilka did Dispell?" Gallows was confused by all these new names.

Maya was about to lose her top. "I don't care! Shut up you half Sorcerer! "Avada Ka-" Before Maya could finish her spell of doom, a giant lions foot bore down on the three Shroedingers, bringing them to the earth. Lilka, Gallows, and Jack looked up to see a giant lion with enormous horns and spikes sticking out from it. Lightning flickered all around the huge beast. "Ow." Maya uttered from underneath the massive paw.

"What kind of spell is that!" Gallows gulped.

"Don't you watch any kind of educational television!" Jack replied. "That's Nua Shax, the guardian of lightning!"

The lion roared as the stadium was forced to evacuate. Lightning bolts ripped from the sky and bored into the field below, creating an overall electrical mess. "Where are the ones that would take back Christmas!" Nua Shax roared.

Jack and Gallows began whistling and flying away.

"We're right here!" Lilka shouted. "Right guys?" There was no one behind her except Pooka. Lilka gave a nervous laugh.

"Then you must die!" Nua Shax sent a bolt of purple lightning flying right towards the eleniak girl.

"Expecto Patronum!" Gallows flew up towards the lion beast, waving a magic wand. The lightning was reflected off into a tower, blowing it up.

Nua Shax squinted and turned his face away from the would be sorcerer. "Protective magic?"

"That's right, beotch!" Gallows smiled. "Now give up Christmas before I get angry."

"Gallows, how's you know that?" Jack asked as he rose up to the other two.

"I saw it on television once." Gallows replied.

"Incarcerous!" Lilka shouted. Enormous ropes broke away from the earth and latched onto the lion, pinning it down. "Let's see you get out of this one, Houdini!"

Nua Shax roared, his bolts of lightning flying about. "He's still really dangerous!" Jack stated, narrowly dodging a bolt.

"We'll see about that! Finite Incantatem! Reductio!" Lilka shouted off two spells. Nua Shax was no longer spouting off electricity, due to he had temporarily lost his magical abilities. After that, he began to shrink and shrink until he was the size of a house cat. Rar!

Gallows flew down to the now tied up tiny lion and grinned. "What now Nua Shax? What now!"

"I'll get you!" Nua Shax meowed. "I'll get all for this!"

"Ha! He sounds like he's on helium!" Jack laughed.

Lilka flew down as well, breathing a sigh of relief. "Man am I tired…"

"I'll say, you saved the day with all that shouting!" Jack clapped.

"Not without our help, of course!" Gallows stepped up.

"Aw, thanks guys." Lilka rubbed the back of her head.

"You've really become something since our last romp." Gallows put a hand on Lilka's shoulder. "Now you're useful."

Lilka didn't know if that was an insult or not, but decided to give Gallows the benefit of the doubt. "Thanks?"

"So when does this shrink spell wear off?" Gallows asked, kicking the tied up kitty.

"When one says the reverse spell." Lilka said. "I'll be sure to take care of kitty here for you guys." She picked up the tiny Nua Shax by his front legs and held him in the air. "You're such a cute kitty when you're behaving."

"Help." Nua Shax squeaked.

"Right. Thanks a lot Lilka, but we need to motor!" Gallows nodded.

"Yea, so off to Thunder Lion Cage!" Jack agreed.

"If you need my help, just come and get me!" Lilka waved as the two flew off into the gray skies…

"Ack! My field is ruined and those two stole the broom!" Anje walked into the field. "Two points off for Gale Claw."

"Aw man!" Lilka sighed.

"Hahaha!" The Shroedinger trio pointed and laughed.

"And three points of Fiery Rage for being total jerks!" Anje replied.

"Aw man…" Maya sighed.

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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Gallows and Jack go back in time to the eighties! How will the two handle Def Leppard, ALF, rat-tails, and Sixteen Candles? Find out next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots!

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It's now time for Lilka says: Lilka says: When speaking in front of a crowd, there are a number of strategies you can employ to keep yourself calm and presentable! One of them is to imagine everyone in their underwear. But if I'm in that audience, you'd better not look or I'll personally devestate your butt!

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	5. Thunder Fang

**Chapter 5: Thunder Fang**

Last time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Stuff happened, I'll get back to you on the details…

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Thunder Lion Cage, a land of mysterious, err, mysteries! A tiny plateau, jutting from a far away continent, sitting along the great reef, separating the inner sea from the mighty ocean. Normally, the skies would be covered in oppressing clouds, rain would be pounding the raging surf, and thunder would strike any things that dare sail. However, because a certain guardian was reduced to a certain kitty, the impressive scene was not there. Instead, our broomstick flying agents found sunny skies and warm temperatures as they came across the rocky crags and sharp rocks that formed the edges of Thunder Lion Cage. The sea crashed into the rocks, sending spray well into the sky. The two broomstick riders easily sailed over the dangerous bit of sea and over a tall, ancient wall into the dark forest. In the middle of the forest, at the center of the land, sitting atop a laypoint (or raypoint) was what appeared to be a temple. Or a large building. Either way, the construction was most likely prehistoric, construed of huge slabs of moss covered stone. The constant rain that had normally befallen the island had long eroded whatever reliefs that had been carved by the original architects. Even with Nua Shax gone, the air was hot and thick, the forest still wet. Gallows and Jack landed right before the main entrance, staring down the large open door.

"You now, for the fact that Filgaia is a desert planet, we seem to be running across a lot of jungles…" Jack pondered.

"And this doesn't really look like a cage…" Gallows pointed out. "It's more of a temple or old building."

"Maybe the mean it metaphorically." Jack replied. "Like Nua Shax was trapped here for all eternity…"

"Yea, well that worked well. Sarcasm, sarcasm." Gallows huffed. "Onward, for Christmas!"

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Somehow, through the magic of the raypoint (or through some leaky plumbing), there was always a bit of drizzle inside the building. And by a bit of drizzle, I mean wet, wet, moisture, constantly raining down from the ceiling. About every square inch was covered in slick moss, covering the worn down statures and columns. Gallows and Jack stepped in, cursing once again their lack of ponchos. The two continued on, in through the temple corridors. It wasn't long before a puzzle completely stumped the two.

The two were standing before a great door. It was sealed shut. Jack and Gallows stared long and hard at the door, trying to figure this one out.

"Well I'm stumped. Time to go download a FAQ." Jack turned around.

"Wait! I got it!" Gallows placed a finger in the air.

"Well?" Jack asked, turning back to him.

"We need a duplicator!" Gallows announced.

"We don't have any." Jack stated.

"Then off to download a FAQ it is!" Gallows then turned around and began to march out when two unfamiliar faces greeted them. She was a young girl, about Lilka's height, but dressed in an orange dress and red high heels. She had long blonde hair and a blue ribbon in her hair that almost resembled rabbit ears. She stood in a haughty, arrogant position, her eyes also reflecting the same notions. Beside her was a tall, elderly chap in a black suit, similar to Gallows', but with an ascot around his neck. His eyes were squinted shut and his hair gray.

"Wow, Maya has a younger sister!" Gallows was confused.

"Outta the way, meat head!" The girl pushed Gallows aside and slid down the incline towards the sealed door. Jack stepped out of the way for the bitc… girl. "Magdalen!"

The elderly man followed after her, returning to her side. "Yes Jane?"

"Remove this door, right away!" Jane commanded. "Christmas is behind there. I can feel it!"

"Woah. Woah. Woah." Jack stepped up to the two. "Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. You two are after Christmas! You wouldn't happen to be **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**, would you?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "ZOMG, WTF, STFU!"

"Well said, Jane." Magdalen complemented the young woman.

"Wow, Jack, you totally got pwned." Gallows elbow jabbed Jack.

"Magdalen, make with the dynamite, chop chop." Jane clapped her hands as she took a step back.

"So if you're not **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**, and you know about Christmas being stolen… Just who the fug are you!" Jack raised an eyebrow.

"Le sigh." Jane once again rolled her big brown eyes. " I'm Agent Calamity Jane A.K.A Jane of ARMS, and this guy is agent Macdullen A.K.A Magdalen of the same. We're here to retrieve Christmas at all costs, as ordered by the president! And just who are you two morons? The Electric Company?"

Gallows frowned. "No, stoopid! I'm agent 003 Gallows Carradine and this is agent Man in the Cowboy Hat Jack van Burace of ARMS! WE'VE been ordered by the president to take back Christmas!"

"Yea, so push off!" Jack stepped closer.

Jane's eyebrow twitched. "Why would he send two teams to recover Christmas! It doesn't make any sense. I'm only here for Christmas and whatever treasures I can find along the way."

"Jees, talk about your humbug!" Jack uttered.

"Well, we're stuck with each other." Gallows crossed his arms across his chest. "It would seem that way. So why don't we try and work together. We're both after Christmas, right?"

Jack and Jane looked to each other and frowned. After a bit, they sighed and nodded. "Right."

"Good." Gallows smiled, being unusually leader like. "I'm going up the hill to play look out. You guys work on the door." With that, Gallows climbed the bank as Jack and Jane glowered at each other.

Jane finished her glowering as Magdalen set up the dynamite. She smiled an evil smile and looked over to Jack, who was still skulking. "Why are we fighting over this? We're both ARMS."

"You're the one who started it." Jack replied.

Jane ignored the comment and walked over to Jack. "We should help each other out, a hand here and there, you know." She turned from Jack, but pressed her body against his. Jack turned bright red as Jane looked back at him, one of her dress straps falling down her arm, and gave him one of her award winning seductive faces. "You find any treasure, you give it to me, okay? I'll make it worth your while…" She took her finger and played with a button on Jack's jacket.

SWEET! Jack thought. "I, uh, sure!" So not suave or cool….

Jane grinned, her features wet from the raypoints mysterious drizzle (or the leaky plumbing.) "Good boy."

Suddenly Gallows went flying down the hill. Well, sliding is a better way to describe it. Something had knocked Gallows down the slope, across the moss, and right under Jane's dress. She immediately turned placed her hands together and screamed, leaping off the bruised agent, and firing into him with her gun, an evil look in her eyes.

One beautiful sight and one gimel coin later, Gallows stood up, rubbing his now many wounds and gritting his teeth. "Why the hell did you do that! Jesus…"

"I'm down here!" Came a voice from beyond the door. Magdalen stepped back from the wall. "This dynamite business has me more worked up than I thought…"

"Why'd you think you stupid perv?" Jane growled.

"That time I didn't fly under a woman's skirt for pleasure." Gallows corrected. "There's a big bird on fire out there. I told him we're closed and he punched me. It hurt a lot!"

"Wait! Then that means they know we're here!" Jane realized.

"This is the part where we run!" Jack stated.

It was a three-man brawl to get to the top. Who would get out the door first! Well, no one, as a certain giant reptilian bird giant poked its fiery head through. The three skidded to a halt. Jack swallowed. "It's Moa Gualt!"

"No you stupid human!" The fire guardian growled, coming further into the temple. "It's Moor Gualt!" He came closer, his flames dying out the room. "What are stupid humans like you doing here at the Thunder Lion Cage!"

"Checking the Electricity!" Gallows went with his useless cover story once more.

"Don't tell me, you're those agents who are trying to reclaim Christmas?" Moor Gualt, once inside the room, raised to his full height.

"…Then we won't…" Jack shrugged.

"Prepare to be roasted!" Moor Gualt roared. He craned his neck to its maximum length and sounded like he was conjuring up the largest of fire based loogies.

"Magdalen! Time to blow!" Jane nervously shouted.

"Roger!" Magdalen placed a hard hat on and leaped back from the door, pulling a wire.

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The moment that door gave way, the four agents ran through into the tall dark halls of Thunder Lion Cage. They were running for freedom. Running for Christmas. Running for their lives. Moor Gualt crashed through, taking a corner and crashing into a wall. His angry roar bellowed through the halls. Jane was in first. I'll never know how because of her high heels, but she was definitely bookin'. Jack and Gallows were behind and if their lives weren't in mortal danger they would have probably enjoyed the view. Magdalen was in rear and he was very, very unhappy about it. Moor Gualt leaped from one wall to another, tearing down chunks of age-old stone and overall making a ruckus. His flames provided the only light in the hall. Taking a chance, the fire guardian sprinted foreword and leaped onto a wall, forcing his talons deep in the cracking wall. With a monstrous scream, a spouted a veritable inferno, turning the hall into a massive oven.

Magdalen looked over his shoulder to see the wall of fire coming his way. "Must go faster!" With new speed, the eldest of the four emerged as vanguard, leaving the others in his dust and at the mercy of hells flames. They all jumped up and fought for first, as the fire got ever closer. The thunderous steps of Moor Gualt followed the fires, His soulless eyes emerging in the flame.

Well, it would appear that all would be lost for our heroes. It would appear that way, but things aren't always as they seem. For just around the corner, Aru Sulato, a plain white giant of the snow, was walking down the hall, whistling a Christmas carol. Suddenly below him four humans turned the corner and ran right underneath him. As surprising as that was, it was nothing compared to Dante's Peak rushing towards him. "Woah, Woah, Woah!" Aru Sulato cried. From his hands sprang forth a blizzard of unfathomable proportions. It was most fortunate that the humans had already passed, as the two extremes met head on, creating a sudden explosion of fog and steam. As the agents ran down the hall, they were suddenly overtaken by an extreme gust of hot fog and steam rushing past them.

Moor Gualt was not pleased. Without his flames, he looked like a black naked reptilian chicken. Aru Sulato was no longer white, but completely covered in soot and ash. The two weren't happy at all. Moor Gualt counted backward from ten and exhaled. He then looked to the blackened giant. "Why did you do that, Aru?"

"If you didn't notice, there was a huge wall of fire coming down the hall, and that happens to be my weakness!" Aru shouted. "I didn't feel like being burned alive by your stupid carelessness!"

"My stupid carelessness! You let those humans run right by you! Thanks to you, I've lost them now!" Moor Gualt growled. "Why am I surrounded by idiots!"

Just then, Lucadia, a giant sea snake (or dragon, but he looks like a snake), slithered onto the scene. He took a look around and whistled. "Hey dudes, looks like there was a gnarly party here. The hallways aren't my place to jam, but whatever works for you, doods!"

"Idiots…" Moor Gualt grumbled…

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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Jack, Gallows, Jane, and Magdalen have found themselves in the belly of the beast: Thunder Lion Cage. With at least three guardians on their tails, it won't be easy to find out what's going on! Find out what happens next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots!

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It's now time for Lilka say's! Lilka says: It's not nice to make prior arrangements with your friends and then abandon them to play with some one else! That's called ditching and it's not very nice. If you have prior arrangements and someone asks you to hang out with them, tell them thanks, but you've got to be somewhere else. That's the right thing to do!

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	6. Ice Crystal

**Chapter 6: Ice Crystal**

This chapter is rated M for mature because I heard that somewhere in the game someone gets stabbed, though I can't confirm this because I'm only on the third level so I'll have to get back to you on that.

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Jack, Jane, Gallows, and Magdalen continued running down the dark hall for their lives until they could run no more. Literally, they couldn't run any more, for they had entered a dead end. The dark stone hall was silent, save for the agents catching their breath.

"I-I think we lost them…" Jane huffed.

The moment she said those words, Moor Gualt and Aru Sulato showed up behind them, raging with flame and ice. Moor Gualt bellowed a deep growl as Aru Sulato cracked his white knuckles. This did not look good for Homestar Runner…

"It's Moa Gualt and some ice thing…" Jack pointed out. Thanks for the obvious, sir!

Moor Gualt raised his head and snorted. "I think I have to update the phone book or something. Everyone keeps calling me that."

"I believe proper introductions are due before we pound you into nothing." Aru Sulato would have grinned if he had a mouth.

A musical tune began in the background, probably from the guardian of show tunes, if there was one. Moor Gualt stomped the ground, forcing three Chapapanga's from the earth. The tiny super heroes knew what they had been called for, as Moor Gualt tend to this often. With little effort, Moor Gualt set the whole hall ablaze, lighting everything in an orange glow. Aru Sulato was quite perturbed, but knew it was all part of the skit. Gallows swallowed. He and musicals didn't go well together.

**Moor Gualt**:

I'm Mister Green Christmas

I'm Mister Sun

I'm Mister Heat Blister

I'm Mister Hundred and One

They call me Moor Gualt,

What ever I touch

Starts to melt in my clutch

I'm too much!

**Chapapangas**:

He's Mister Green Christmas

He's Mister Sun

He's Mister Heat Blister

He's Mister Hundred and One

**Moor Gualt:**

They call me Moor Gualt,

What ever I touch

Starts to melt in my clutch

**Chapapangas:**

He's too much!

**Moor Gualt:**

Thank you!

I never want to see a day

That's under sixty degrees

I'd rather have it eighty,

Ninety, one hundred degrees!

(spoken):Oh, some like it hot, but I like it really hot! Hee hee!

**Chapapangas:**

He's Mister Green Christmas

He's Mister Sun

**Moor Gualt:**

Sing it!

**Chapapangas:**

He's Mister Heat Blister

He's Mister Hundred and One

**Moor Gualt:**

They call me Moor Gualt,

What ever I touch

Starts to melt in my clutch

I'm too much!

**All:**

Too Much!

The moment Moor Gualt had finished his ditty; Aru Sulato outstretched his hands, bringing forth an icy blizzard, freezing the fires and the rocks, creating a fortress of solitude. The Chapapangas ran towards Aru Sulato and took their places.

**Aru Sulato:**

I'm Mister White Christmas

I'm Mister Snow

I'm Mister Icicle

I'm Mister Ten Below

Friends call me Aru Sulato

What ever I touch

Turns to snow in my clutch

I'm too much!

**Chapapangas:**

He's Mister White Christmas

He's Mister Snow

**Aru Sulato:**

That's right!

**Chapapangas:**

He's Mister Icicle

He's Mister Ten Below

**Aru Sulato:**

Friends call me Aru Sulato,

What ever I touch

Turns to snow in my clutch

**Chapapangas:**

He's too much!

**Aru Sulato:**

I never want to see a day

That's over forty degrees

I'd rather have it thirty,

Twenty, ten, five and let it freeeeEEEEEEeeze!

**Chapapangas:**

He's Mister White Christmas

He's Mister Snow

**Aru Sulato:**

That's right!

**Chapapangas:**

He's Mister Icicle

He's Mister Ten Below

**Aru Sulato:**

Friends call me Aru Sulato,

What ever I touch

Turns to snow in my clutch

... too much.

**All:**

Too Much!

"Oh it was too much all right." Gallows retorted.

"O.K, Sulato, you can unfreeze the place!" Moor Gualt growled.

"Why? It's perfect this way." Aru replied.

"Because it's fuggin freezing!" Moor Gualt barked. "Why am I even talking to you!" The Chapapangas scrambled as Moor Gualt once again set fire to the hall.

"You always force what you like on everyone else!" Aru Sulato shouted. "Well I like it cold!" The agents went from sweating to shivering rather quickly, but none dare interfere.

"Is that how you want to play!" Moor Gualt roared, spreading his fiery wings. "Well take some of this!" Moor Gualt flapped his wings, causing a wave of fire to sail towards Sulato.

Sulato caught fire and started running in circles, shrieking, as Moor Gualt laughed. "Eagh! Well have some of this!" The still on fire giant started freezing the phoenix-a-saurus from foot up.

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" Lucadia, the sea guardian slithered up. "C'mon guys, we can work this out with a little talk!" It was not Lucadia's day, as he was water based, and doesn't fare well against the evaporating power of fire or the freezing ability of ice. The two feuding guardians stopped what they were doing and super froze then super heated the serpent. In an act of rage, they had completely shattered the beast. Whatever remained of Lucadia was now just small pieces of frozen dragon on the floor. The agents were speechless.

"Oh God, oh God, oh God…" Aru Sulato started biting his nails, the fire extinguished.

Moor Gualt melted the ice encasing him. "Calm down man, it's no big deal…"

"We just killed him, man! We just KILLED him! Y'know what that means!"

"Just calm down man, we can deal with this…"

"We're gonna go to the big house man! We're gonna get the chair!" Sulato began freaking out. "I can't handle that!"

"Nobody has to know man." Moor Gualt placed a fiery claw on the giants quivering shoulder. "We'll just get rid of the evidence. No one will ever find out."

"What about them, man! They saw the whole morbid thing!" Sulato pointed to the four clueless humans.

"…We didn't see anything…" Gallows replied. "Just go on and do what you need to do!"

"No, we gotta waste them! There can be no witnesses!" Moor Gualt narrowed his brow.

"Killing more people! When's it gonna stop man! This can't go on!" Sulato was once again freaking out.

"You're partner in crime is fragile." Magdalen finally spoke up. "It would probably be best if you took him out. He's going to crack eventually."

"Naw man, you wouldn't do that, would you! We're best buds man! I won't talk man, I won't!" Sulato waved his hands.

"The humans right. You're weak and you're gonna get the Po sooner or later." Moor Gualt shook his head. "I'm gonna have to take you down man."

"C'mon Moor Gualt, be cool, man, be cool!" However, Aru Sulatos please were to no avail as Moor Gualt pretty much incinerated the snow giant with one heaping plate of his strongest fires.

Moor Gualt then turned to the humans. "You're next! No witnesses left alive!"

"I don't think so!" Jack replied, pulling out a fire extinguisher. "Crime doesn't pay!" He then sprayed the fire giant with the tiny extinguisher.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What a world, what a world, what a world…" Moor Gualt, with the NO power of Darth Vader, fizzled off out of existence.

"There's another one for you Solus Emsu!" Jack grinned.

"Wow, that was pretty cool." Jane admitted to Jack. "But where's you get the extinguisher?"

"Yea, seeing how you left your hat at base." Gallows also wanted to know.

"There was one on the wall behind me." Jack pointed to the case behind him. "Fire code and all."

"You know, I have a feeling that **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N** is made up of guardians…" Gallows thought.

"You think?" Jane gave him the eye. "Now come on, we have to go save Christmas!"

Unexpectedly, the wall behind them mysteriously opened. The four turned around to see what appeared to be a large green rock filled with craters. There was a hole where two yellow eyes stared out at them. The eyes blinked and then the giant rock began to roll towards them.

"Oh shit!" Jack shouted as they started running back up the hall.

"What did you think would happen!" Jane retorted. "We're in a temple, of course there's going to be an homage to Indiana Jones!"

"Is this thing a guardian too!" Gallows asked as the rock was catching up.

"It's Rigdobrite!" Magdalen stated. "It's the guardian of the stars!"

"Guardian of the stars!" Jack was puzzled. "Then what the crap is it doing on Filgaia!"

"Who knows! Just keep running!" Jane barked.

The four of them ran out of the hall, up the moss-covered incline, out of the building, across the forest, through a gap in the wall, before reaching the edge of the plateau. Rigdobrite crashed through trees and pummeled through the wall. As the giant boulder guardian thing rolled up after them, Gallows coulda swore he saw the tiny green prince rolling it from behind. They ran to the edge, the angry sea hundreds of feet below. Before you could start signing "Na na na na na na nanana nanananananana," A.K.A The Katamari Damacy theme, the four leaped to the side. However Jane was still in the way. Magdalen couldn't get to her, simply because he to had been rolled up in the Rigdobrite katamari. Gallows quickly pried Magdalen off as it rolled by. Jack dove for Jane, quickly grabbing her and rolling himself away. Rigdobrite sped right off the cliff and fell into the jagged rocks at the bottom.

"If anyone else knows a better spot that they could have played "Rollin'", I would like to know." Gallows commented before he noticed the awkward situation just over. Jack had saved Jane from certain Katamari related doom, however that didn't help the situation he was in, for as the two had rolled away, Jane ended up on the ground and Jack over him with a hand cupped over a squishy thing he shouldn't have. Both of them were beet red for a moment before Jane gave Jack the upper cut to end all upper cuts. Jack soon joined Rigdobrite at the bottom of the sea.

Jane then stood up, marched to Gallows, and kneed him right in the gut. "And that's for looking!"

Gallows keeled over as Magdalen swallowed. Sometimes the little lady could be quite dangerous indeed.

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Nightfall came upon the ancient wall and Gallows, a very wet Jack, Magdalen, and Jane were sitting around a campfire perched up against the black bricks. Jane was the first to speak. "Well, if our idea that **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N** is made up of guardians, then to know the enemy's status, we just have to know how many guardians there are, right?"

"Well…" Jack said before sneezing. "There was Denogenos at Mount Zenom (and he's still there), Dan Daraim at Sielje, and then Moor Gualt, Aru Sulato, Lucadia, Rigdobrite, and Chapapanga here at Thunder Lion Cage. Of those mentioned, only Denogenos and Chapapanga re still around."

"Well how many more are there?" Gallows asked.

"You're the Baskar, shouldn't you know!" Jane angrily said.

"No." Gallows quickly replied.

"Well, I know who would." Magdalen spoke up. "But it would require us to leave the Thunder Lion Cage for now."

"But Christmas is here! We're this close!" Gallows spoke up.

"After those last encounters, I think we need to get some back up." Jack stated. "Or some guns. Really big guns."

"Don't keep us waiting Magdalen." Jane started. "Who?"

Magdalen stood up. "To Baskar!"

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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Probably more sexual jokes involving Jack and Gallows doing something perverted to Jane and she beating the hell out of them, though I'm not entirely sure. Stay tuned and find out!

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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: Fox! Do a Barrel Roll! Double tap the Z or R button to repel enemy fire!

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	7. Flash Hit

**Chapter 7: Flash Hit**

Hi! Lilka here and its time for my shout outs! Let's make magic people!

**Gallows Stalker: **I'm glad to know you're enjoying the fic so far and I agree with you on the part of Gallows and Jack having no luck, but I also think it has to do with their brain power, but don't tell them I said that, K?

**Teefa & co.: **Thanks for the comments! I think the parodies are fun too! Jane may be a hoot, but she's stealing my spot in the limelight! (Takes out flame wand) Jane must die! I mean, go everybody! Tee hee!

Remember everyone that stories need reviews to survive, so be sure to give them plenty! Have your cat spayed or neutered, buh bye!

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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

BASKAR COLONY, Filgaia – The princess had been taken to another castle in Baskar Colony. Officials for the Royal family told the press at a conference yesterday afternoon that intelligence had pointed a large shelled reptile whisking the princess, Cecelia Lynn Adlyhyde, away from Adlyhyde Palace to an old ruin of a castle within Baskar grounds. Baskar Colony, a small Baskar reservation consisting of approximately six people, lies just outside the ruins of Jolly Roger. Baskar residents seem to be disturbed by the news of the princess's arrival and many of such residents have taken to protesting in an effort to bring more relief to the reservation. Officials have yet to tell them that she was taken against her will. Efforts have been made to recover the princess from the castle Pandemonium, but no one has been able to leap high enough to stop an army of walking mushrooms the giant shelled reptile seemed to have employed…

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Baskar Colony! A most horrible place! Our favorite secret agents arrived at the barbwire fence, looking out over it. It was nothing but sand and dirt beyond. Pueblos could be seen in the distance, standing out from the earth. The wind was full of dust and colored the air a dull orange. Nothing grew anywhere.

"Baskar seemed to have gone downhill since the last time I was here…" Gallows scratched his head.

"Naw, this is the Alter Code: F Baskar." Jack corrected. "Let's go on inn."

The four walked through the gate, pass the barking dogs, past the trailer homes, and towards the center of the colony where a few ancient pueblos stood from the very earth it was carved from. Marching around a center stone were three Baskar holding signs and shouting a protest poem.

Gallows stopped as Magdalen took point. He turned to a protester. "Hey buddy, what's with the protest?"

The Baskar woman looked to Gallows and shook her head. "They say the princess Cecelia is here in Baskar. We're protesting her arrival because of the evils she has done to this community."

Gallows looked around. He didn't see any secret service, black limos, army choppers, or delegates. All he saw was Pooka, and Pooka didn't count. "O rly?"

"Ja rly!" She replied.

"O rly?" Gallows asked once more.

"Ja rly!"

"O rly?"

"Ja rly!"

Suddenly a snowy owl perched on Gallows shoulder and screeched "No wai!" before flying off again.

"Huh, was it on TV or something?" Gallows wanted to know.

"No, it was in the newspaper…" the lady replied. "You can find a copy at the bar."

Gallows nodded and soon joined up with the other four. Magdalen was in lead, but he didn't really know where he was going. So they were walking around in circles, pretty much, yea. Gallows tapped Jack on the shoulder. "Hey Jack, did you know the princess is here!"

Jack raised an eyebrow. "O rly?"

"Ja rly!" Gallows replied.

"O rly?"

"Ja rly!"

"O rly?"

"Ja rly!"

That same owl landed on Jacks shoulder. "No wai!" And then flew off.

"Seems to be an owl problem too…" Gallows commented.

"So what's the princess doing here?" Jack asked.

"I dunno, but lets go ask her for some bigger guns or something!" Gallows bit his lip at the thought of it.

"I dunno Gallows. Remember the last time you approached royalty?" Jack asked.

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Outside the highly decorated throne of the king of Adlyhyde, the king steps out to give a highly important speech. "I, King Justin, have-"

Gallows, who was standing in the crows, spit out his coffee. "King Justin! What the hell kinda name is that for a freegin king!"

Justin tried to go on." Have an important-"

"I mean Justin's like a townsfolk name! C'mon, what kinda crap is that!"

"An important topic-"

"King Justin? More like King Generic! M I rite, lol!"

"Guards, get him!" Justin sent the guards after Gallows.

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Suddenly a big, fat man with glasses and a white button up shirt with green trousers walked up to Gallows and smacked him upside the face, knocking Gallows to the ground. "Steal Peter Griffin's act, will ya, you dumb injin!" Peter then noticed the camera. "I mean, smart Native American. …I love you guys…. Red power…" He then silently crept off the premises.

Jane kicked Gallows in the side. "Wake up, we gotta hit the bar!"

Gallows' eyes lit up. "Bar equals women!" He then stood up. "Right! To the bar!"

Jane watched Gallows run off to the bar as Jack approached her. "Here, I found this treasure." Jack handed her a heal berry.

"A heal berry? You call this treasure?" Jane rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Let's go."

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Was it really a surprise that not a half an hour after the entered the bar that Gallows was drunk off his ass? I mean, what else is a bar scene good for in a fan fic? Getting information? What good is getting information going to do for the characters? Nope, bar scenes are just going to get people comically drunk while I'm around…

So Jane, Magdalen, and Jack had attempted to pry information from anyone in the bar about the whereabouts of she who knows the guardians, but only found information on the princess being captures by a giant shelled reptile and being held against her will in Pandemonium. They sighed, as this most likely meant they'd have to quest out there to save her before getting the bar full of Baskar to say anything else.

But to Gallows it wasn't a bar full of Baskar but a bar full of everyone from ARMs and everyone from that old evil organization P.R.O.P.H.E.T. (which was comprised of about every Wild ARMs villain to date) that they had disposed of a while back. Why, it was great! It was awesome! It felt like a sitcom! Gallows hopped over the bar and stole the cleaning rag from the bartender as music began to fill his head.

**Where Everybody Knows Your Name - Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo**

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.

Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,

and they're always glad you came.

You wanna be where you can see,

our troubles are all the same

You wanna be where everybody knows

Your name.

You wanna go where people know,

people are all the same,

You wanna go where everybody knows

your name.

Making your way in the world today

Takes everything you've got;

Taking a break from all your worries

Sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those night when you've got no lights,

The check is in the mail;

And your little angel

Hung the cat up by it's tail;

And your third fiance didn't show;

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,

And they're always glad you came;

You want to be where you can see,

Our troubles are all the same;

You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;

The morning's looking bright;

And your shrink ran off to Europe,

And didn't even write;

And your husband wants to be a girl;

Be glad there's one place in the world

Where everybody knows your name,

And they're always glad you came;

You want to go where people know,

People are all the same;

You want to go where everybody knows your name.

Where everybody knows your name,

And they're always glad you came;

Where everybody knows your name,

And they're always glad you came...

"W00t!" Gallows cried before passing out.

--------------- -----------------

Gallows awoke on a dusty trail leading through the dusty skies towards Pandemonium. Well, actually he awoke on the back of a camel bird, a strange creature with the body and head of a camel but the legs and tiny flightless wings of a bird. Before him, on the road towards Pandemonium, were Jack, Jane, and Magdalen.

"What I really wanted to do," Jane was in the middle of a conversation, "was be an astronaut!"

"An astronaut?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "That's kind of weird."

"How so?" Jane huffed. "It's O.K for boys to want to be an astronaut but not for girls! I bet you're the kind who thinks girls should stay in the kitchen and either play with their E.Z bake ovens or when they grow up just bake with real ovens! You sexist pig!"

"No, it's just that Filgaia has never launched a rocket before…" Jack replied.

"Oh." Jane blushed. "Well, how bout you? Did you always want to be an agent?"

"Yup. Ever since the old movies with 002 Jet Enduro, I wanted to be an agent. Blow stuff up and get the girls! Man, that sounded great. But in real life, it's a lot harder than it looks."

"You've never had a girl, have you?" Jane grinned.

"Well, I had Elmina, but she went all demon. But then she came back, but completely forgot about me, so it was a total bummer. So now I hit on her for sport, but she's not the same."

"Well, I had a thing for this blue haired kid a while back, but then we tried to blow up the world." Jane replied.

"Woah!" Gallows interrupted. "We're supposed to be cutting back on the references to 'From Baskar With Love', remember?" Gallows then raised an eyebrow. "Wait a minute, didn't both Dennis and Cecelia did in the first one?"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Magdalen, Jane, and Jack hissed.

"Right, don't explore plot holes." Gallows zipped his lip.

"Well I," Magdalen said. "I coulda been a contender."

"Looks like we're here!" Jack said, stopping his tracks. Before them lied the disastrous castle Pandemonium. Inside were the princess and the beast that had taken her. "We ready to do this!"

"Uhm!" The other three nodded.

------------------ ----------------

Pandemonium. A demonic castle if there ever existed one. It's halls were filled with black and white checkered floors, it's walls made of dark brick, its ceilings where designed to crush anything below. Gaps filled the hallways, full of bubbling magma and spouting fire at conveniently timed intervals. Fences of mesh wire hung from the roof and spun around. And walking the halls were shriekers, giant walking mushrooms.

"Oh no! Those shriekers are coming right for us at a rather slow pace!" Jack pointed out.

Yes, indeed the shriekers were just walking around in circles. Jane swallowed. "Let's do it!"

The four of them ran towards the shriekers, leaping over magma, timing themselves for the fire, clambering across mesh fences, and dodging crushing ceiling plates before coming to the group of three shriekers. Jane narrowed her brow. "Guys, I'm going for it!"

"My lady! No!" Magdalen tried to reach out for her, but it was too late. The young madam ran towards the mushroom and leaped to her full height. She was going to crush them or die trying. O.K, maybe not die. It proved to be a futile effort, as she couldn't get the air to do it. Fear came into her eyes as the shrieker touched her knee, causing her to shrink to a much shorter chibi version.

"Waa! I'm tiny!" Jane cried.

"Jane watch out!" Jack dove for her, pushing her out of the way as he too was touched by the shrieker, causing him to shrink as well. He was now chibi Jack! "You gotta watch out Jane! In this form we only have one hit or it's game over!"

"What are you talking about?" Jane gave him a dirty look.

"I don't seem to have any grow mushrooms on me…" Magdalen patted his bag, but before he could notice, a shrieker got a hold of him, turning him into chibi Magdalen. "Can no one stop these shriekers!"

"I guess it's up to me!" Gallows swallowed. "If I don't make it, we're done for!" Gallows then ran full tilt towards the shriekers. They hopped about, waiting to create a chibi Gallows. But it would not be this day, for today, we fight! RAAAAAA! Um, ahem, Gallows made a leap of faith, towering over the chibi friends and landing right on the shrieker. The mushroom poofed into nothing as Gallows grinned. "You're mine mother fugger!" Gallows then killed the remaining shriekers with his awesome jumping ability! W00t indeed Gallows, w00t indeed.

The chibi characters waddled up to the gargantuan Gallows. Jane tugged on his pants and pointed to a big red door. "The princess has got to be in there!" Aww, she's so kyute.

Gallows rubbed his nose with his thumb. "Right! Let's go!"

------------------ --------------------

Oddly enough, the red door led to the roof. Gallows and the chibis ran out to see the sky as black as pitch. A flying plant came down to the four, the princess inside.

"HELP! HELP!" Cecelia shouted, apparently not noticing Gallows and Jack as her former killers.

Rising from behind her was a giant purple-shelled reptile. It resembled a snapping turtle on two legs with giant crystals growing out of its shells. "Hahahaha! It is I, king Trask! You'll never get the princess!"

"You guys may want to stand back." Gallows told the chibis. They hesitantly nodded and turned back to the red door, peeking through the doors slit. Gallows turned to Trask in his flying helicopter plant thing. "You're going down!"

Trask laughed and threw out two rat monkeys. Gallows easily leaped on top of the rat monkeys, knocking them over. He then picked them up and threw them at the flying plant. This caused the plant to flash bright red.

"What the! Well then take this!" Trask tried to run over Gallows with his plant, but Gallows simply leaped over.

"Is that the best you can do!" Gallows asked.

"Have some of this!" Trask then through a whole slew of blue fireballs.

It took some work to dodge all of them, but Gallows managed to do just that.

"HELP! HELP!" Cecelia once again shouted. "Here, take this!" She tossed Gallows a feather.

Gallows grabbed the feather, instantly gaining a raccoon tail (!) and a yellow cape. He leaped into the air and began to fly. He flew right over Trask and then landed on his head. Trask flashed red and yellow, as he looked generally surprised. Gallows grabbed the girl and fell back to the rooftop as Trask's plant thing begun to spin out of control, crashing into the ground far below.

"Thanks, courageous plumber!" Cecelia then planted a kiss on Gallows cheek. The chibis then ran out onto the roof to celebrate. With Trask no longer around, the three poofed back to normal size.

"Well I'll just go on back to Adlyhyde now, thanks." Cecelia smiled and walked through the red door.

"Shouldn't we escort her back?" Magdalen asked.

"She'll be fine. Now let's go back to Baskar!" Gallows announced.

"NOT SO FAST!" A deep voice bellowed. The four looked up to the black sky. It couldn't be Trask. He was double dead. Then who?

"Those who wish to retrieve Christmas must deal with us!" Another voice growled. Forming from the night were two massive guardians. One resembled a black giant with enormous claws and spikes jutting from his shoulders. The other was the torso of a man, draped in a white robe. A pendulum with a guillotine attached to it swung from underneath and a bright golden mask was wear his head should be. His long cold hands came out from the sleeves.

"**G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**!" Jack stepped back, ready to draw.

"These guys must be following us!" Gallows stated.

"Who are you! State your names!" Magdalen gritted his teeth.

"Whoever you are," Jane aimed her gun at them, "you are going down!"

The white robed giant was the first to speak. "I am Ge Ramtos, the guardian of death."

"And I am Duras Drum, the guardian of evil." The other guardian bowed. "Our powers are of the most destructive and cruel variety yet seen by mortal eyes."

"What do you want with Christmas! What's going on!" Gallows shouted.

"Christmas time is a time for being jolly and to spread good will towards all men," Duras Drum began. "Though my opinions do not reflect **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N**'s opinions or ambitions, as the guardian of evil, this time of year vexes me to the very core."

"And I don't necessarily like that Jesus fellow for returning from beyond the grave. That's my domain! He didn't ask for permission to come back!" Ge Ramtos said something ridiculously sacrilegious. "You humans should just give up and celebrate Kwanzaa or Ramadan."

"No way! Christmas is king and we need it back! For the children!" Jane stepped foreword.

"The only way we'll celebrate Kwanzaa is if you kill us!" Gallows raged. "We want Santa back!"

"You mortals wish to fight us?" Duras Drum seemed delighted. "You know that you will fail against the god of darkness!"

"Let us make this interesting." Ge Ramtos giggled. "If you do not defeat us within five minutes, we kill everyone in Baskar, including the princess Cecelia and actor Alan Thick!"

"Not actor Alan Thick!" Jack shook his head. "You two are insane!"

"Well he's the guardian of evil and I'm the guardian of death. Together we're a nasty group." Ge Ramtos shrugged. "Now, let us begin!" Ge Ramros did some sort of mantra with his hands and an enormous clock appeared over the moon.

"The countdown begins!" Duras Drum laughed as indeed the giant clock began to tick.

"My lady! What shall we do!" Magdalen glanced over to Jane.

"I'm thinking!" Jane swore.

"Take this!" Gallows fired his PP7 at Duras. The giant merely laughed. "Well that's not going to work. Damn their supernatural abilities!"

"Primitive Dark!" Duras Drum shouted. The world became engulfed in the chaotic dark that the universe spawned from. Somehow, this hurt our players.

The agents fell to the ground as primitive dark wore off. However, Ge Ramtos floated towards the castle. "Arcane X." The sounds of a turning clock were heard, and the moaning of a thousand anguished souls flowed from this portal as a river of the dead. The sky rained blood and lightning cackled across the sky in an insidious manner. Three spheres of dark energy encircled the party. Was this the end? Of course not! Auto Death spells never work! Ge Ramtos cursed his luck. Instead of using his awesome blood curdling abilities, he would just attack them using a giant scythe.

"Time's running out!" Jane yelled.

"What do we do!" Jack eagerly awaited an answer.

"There's nothing we can do." Magdalen looked to the floor.

"It looks as if we win." Duras Drum laughed. "Good bye Baskar."

Unexpectedly, Duras Drum was sent flying towards the ground. The humans all looked surprised as a giant mech hovered in the air. It was none other than Asgard01!

"Get off my property!" Came a very familiar female voice from inside the mech.

"Marivel!" Gallows blinked.

-------------- ----------------

Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: The crew end up on an episode of Growing Pains with none other than actor Alan Thick! Can the group act to save their lives, or will Growing Pains become a real pain!

---------- -----------------------

It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: Asgard, Asgard, Asgard! How many Asgards are there? There's three silly! Asgard the earth golem from Wild ARMs, Asgard, Marivel giant mech, from Wild ARMs 2nd Ignition, and Asgard the super cool merc golem from Wold ARMS Advanced the 3rd! It's difficult having more than one Asgard around, because you never know which one your talking about!

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	8. Hell Scream

**Chapter 8: Hell Scream**

Last time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Beatrice, Mother, and the Kuiper Belt decided they'd get even with Filgaia once and for all! Together, they created the league of fantastic dark evil villainy of doom! With their sights on Filgaia, can Jack and Gallows stop the three doom bringers before it's too late?

---------------- ----------

Duras Drum picked his dark self up from the sand, rubbing his backside as the mechanical giant Asgard01 let loose a volley of steam from its joints. Ge Ramtos backed off into the night, allowing Duras to handle this problem.

"Give him a left! And then a right! And then another left!" Gallows cheered from the rooftop of Pandemonium.

Jane bonked him on the head with her fist. "I'll give you a left if you don't shut up!"

"Woo woo woo!" Gallows covered his head. "Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk."

Duras Drum narrowed his eyes. "Bring it on mortal!" The giant leaped foreword, trying to go for a punch. Asgard met him head on, both locked in a battle of strength. The two pushed on each other's hands, waiting to see who'd break.

"I am no mortal!" Marivel shouted. Suddenly, Asgard01 hands launched from its arms, clocking Duras Drum right in the face. Duras fell back into the sand, this time for good. Asgard's hands returned and it turned to see Ge Ramtos. Ge Ramtos sweated a little before trying to flee. However, Asgard grabbed onto Ge Ramtos' cloak, ripping it off. What lied underneath surprised everyone.

"Alhazad!" Jack asked, mouth a gape. It was true, for underneath Ge Ramtos' costume was really the shrouded demon Alhazad.

"And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" Alhazad sneered.

"What the hell were you doing disguised as Ge Ramtos!" Jane asked. "You have some splainin to do."

"I don't need to explain anything." The giant Asgard then smashed Alhazad into the ground. "O.K, O.K, I'll tell you!" Alhazad was once again smashed into the ground. "I'll tell you everything you need to know!"

Asgard was about to crunch him yet again, but Gallows stepped up. "Hey Marivel, I think he's ready to talk!"

"Are you sure?" Marivel asked, eager to kill something.

Gallows looked back to Alhazad. He was one messy cloak on the rocks. "Yea, I'm sure."

"The guardians are planning something in Meria Boule! If you get there in time, I'm sure you can stop them from destroying everything!" Alhazad warned.

"Right! Then it's off to Meria Boule!" Gallows raised a fist in the air.

"But what about the guardian woman in Baskar?" Magdalen asked.

"Or Christmas at Thunder Lion Cage!" Jack and Jane both asked in unison. Woah, creepy.

"Kekekekeke!" Alhazad laughed. "You'll never make all three!"

"You're a mad man, you know that?" Jane shouted. "A veritable Christmas hater!"

"Man!" Alhazad was insulted.

"Oh yea, Belserk, I mean Berserk, said you're a woman…" Jack realized.

"But Harken said that he was a he!" Jack spoke. "And Alhazad also had that thing for Harken. If he was a she, then he'd be a …lesbian …demon …monster …thing…" Jack was thinking.

"I was going to go with demon." Alhazad corrected. "Now back to business! What will you do!"

Asgard crushed Alhazad once again. There would be no more laughing from this cloak. "That's for waking me up!" Marivel shouted. Asgard then turned to face the four humans on the castle rooftop. "Now unless you guys want to end up looking just like carpet bag over there, start explaining! I don't like my ten year naps interrupted!"

"Man, talk about a bitch!" Jane whispered to Magdalen as the pair stepped back.

"Well, you see, we're on another mission!" Gallows started. "We've been sent to retrieve Christmas!"

"Christmas was stolen!" Jack explained. "By an organization made up of guardians."

"A lot of wacky things have happened so far, but we've traced Christmas to Thunder Lion Cage, but the place is guarded by a lot of guardians!" Gallows said.

"And that's it." Jack stated. "Say, Marivel, why don't you come help us?"

Asgard01's chest opened up and a wall of mist poured out. The night was lit by Asgard's inner workings. Stepping out from the light was a great shadow, causing Jane and Magdalen to nervously sweat. But as the shadow came nearer, it became smaller into the figure stepped out onto the rooftop. Jane and Magdalen could have fallen to the rooftop in embarrassment. Eh, why not? Jane and Magdalen fell down to the rooftop in embarrassment. It was naught but a little girl coming out from the colossal mech.

She was a little girl, or at least in the physical sense. She looked to be about fourteen or so, her skin pale and her long hair blonde. She wore a big blue dress and a blue driver's cap with a black cape. She stood on her tiptoe and crossed her arms over her undeveloped chest. "Bah humbug!"

Jane stepped foreword, a nerve on her forehead. "What do you mean Bah humbug! Christmas is at stake!"

Marivel smiled, letting a fang slip between her lips. "Just what I said. BAH – HUMBUG!"

A cold breeze blew through, letting small flakes of snow filter into the night. Jane was speechless as Magdalen put his coat over her bare shoulders. How could someone say bah humbug to Christmas! Only heartless monsters like the guardians don't like Christmas!

"C'mon Marivel, have a little heart!" Gallows placed an arm over the crimson noble's shoulder. "Think of the kids!"

"Think of the Christmas parties!" Jack pleaded.

"Christmas a humbug!'' said Jane. "You don't mean that, I am sure."

"I do," said Marivel. "Merry Christmas! What right have you to be merry? what reason have you to be merry? You're mortal"

"Come, then," returned the Maxwell woman. What right have you to be dismal? what reason have you to be morose? You're immortal.''

Marivel having no better answer ready on the spur of the moment, said, "Bah!'' again; and followed it up with "Humbug."

"Don't be cross," said Jane.

"What else can I be,'' returned the vampire, "when I live in such a world of fools as this Merry Christmas! Out upon merry Christmas. What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you? If I could work my will," said Marivel indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas'' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!"

"Marivel!" pleaded Gallows.

"Gallows" Marivel returned, sternly, keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine."

"Keep it!" repeated Jane. "But you don't keep it."

"Let me leave it alone, then,'' said Marivel. "Much good may it do you! Much good it has ever done you!"

Gallows sighed. "Well, would you at least escort us back to Baskar? For old times sake?"

Marivel frowned. She looked around and got off her tiptoes. She cleared her throat. "As long as I'm up, I might as well. Allow me to get my things."

"Before we go," Jack was curious. "I want to see what's under Alhazad's cloak."

Marivel sighed and hopped back in Asgard01, taking control of the massive arms and pulling the cloak off the demon below. What was there surprised everyone, as it was nothing more than a sofa!

"Alhazad was a sofa the whole time!" Jane found it hard to believe.

"It would explain his weird shape…" Gallows thought. "Now let's get going!"

------------- ---------------

And thus, the party of five trekked down the snow covered path to Baskar. Baskar's lights could be seen in the distance as they marched on. In the lead was Marivel, with her normal frown, wearing a black top hat, a red scarf, and a black walking cane, followed by the rest of the party and the camel bird. As they marched on, desert monsters slinked behind in the darkness, commenting in song form on the travelers and the infamous crimson noble playing point.

When a cold wind blows it chills you  
Chills you to the bone  
But there's nothing in nature that freezes your heart  
Like years of being alone

It paints you with indifference  
Like a lady paints with rouge  
And the worst of the worst, the most hated and cursed  
Is the one that we call Marivel  
Unkind as any, and the wrath of many  
This is Crimson Nobel Marivel.

Oh, there goes Ms. Humbug  
There goes Ms. Grim  
If they gave a prize for being mean  
The winner would be her  
Old Marivel, she loves his money  
Cause she thinks it gives her power  
If she became a flavor you can bet she would be sour  
(Even the vegetables don't like him)

There goes Ms. Skinflint  
There goes Ms. Greed  
The undisputed master of the underhanded deed  
She charges folks a fortune for her dark and drafty houses  
Us poor folk live in misery  
It's even worse for mouses  
(Please sir, I want some cheese)

She must be so lonely, she must be so sad  
She goes to extremes to convince us she's bad  
She's really a victim of fear and of pride  
Look close and there must be a sweet woman inside  
(Nah . . . uh uh)

There goes Ms. Outrage  
There goes Ms. Sneer  
She has no time for friends or fun  
Her anger makes that clear  
Don't ask her for a favor cause her nastiness increases  
No crust of bread for those in need  
No cheeses for us meeces

There goes Ms. Heartless  
There goes Ms. Cruel  
She never gives, she only takes  
She lets her anger rule  
If being mean's a way of life you practice and rehearse  
Then all that work is paying off, cause Marivel is getting worse  
Every day in every way  
Marivel is getting worse

Marivel stopped and turned to greet the desert night. "Every time you use my name I want a 10 royalty!" This caused the animal eyes to fade into the dark.

Once they had reached Baskar, the five walked to the bar. Marivel was first to enter, standing in the door and allowing the snowy breeze to filter in. The Baskar inhabitants looked to the vampire and frowned, turning away. "Where are my taxes, poor people!" Marivel shouted as she came in, beaning someone with the end of her walking cane.

"But ma'am, we've only just begun making money. We're still working on the loans you gave us!" The bar tender pleaded.

"Besides! It's Christmas!" Another man stated.

"Not yet it isn't." Marivel spat. "A poor excuse for picking a woman's pocket every twenty-fifth of December. Bah humbug."

Marivel's entourage slipped in silently and stopped at the bar. Gallows cleared his throat. "We rescued the princess. Now about the guardian woman?"

The Bartender pointed to woman beside her. She wasn't a Baskar at all, but an elegant woman with long blonde hair and a long pink and white dress. There was a blue bird sitting on her pal and a squirrel on her head. A deer stood happily behind her as she basked in the light of some mysterious star.

Gallows turned to watch Marivel bicker with the townsfolk as Jack approached the dainty lady. "Excuse me, ma'am."

"Please, call me Altacea." The woman smiled.

"My, what a beautiful name." Jack grinned.

A nerve appeared on Jane's forehead. She scooted herself in right next to Jack. "All right Altacea, start talking. We want to know about the guardians!"

"Or at least their number!" Magdalen shouted from the back.

"The guardians?" Altecea asked.

"And you!" Marivel pointed to a man. "I charge per person living in the house! There's two of you but you're only paying for one!"

"Honest! There's only me!" The man replied.

"You lie! I saw Pooka in your house!" Marivel tapped him with her walking stick.

"Pooka doesn't count!" The man replied.

"He's right about that." Gallows retorted before being whacked across the head with a walking stick. "If I wanted that I'd stay at home with Granny…"

"Yea, guardians!" Jane replied to Altecea.

Altecea put a hand to her chin in thought. "Well, there's twenty three of them."

Jack was wide eyed. "Twenty three of them!"

"We've taken care of eight of them, which leaves," Magdalen counted on his fingers, "fifteen."

"Good God. Will we ever save Christmas!" Jack put his hands on his head.

"MARIVEL!" A deep voice bellowed from outside the bar. Everyone stopped what they were doing at the sound of the voice.

Marivel turned from her business to the door, flipping the scarf over her shoulder. "This had better be good." She walked out of the bar, Gallows following. Once outside, the two were in for a surprise, as three giant beasts stood in the snow, awaiting the vampire's presence. A ghostly presence hovered over the scene, as a translucent image of Anastasia, Marivel's former business partner, came into being. Beyond her long black hair and enormous gloves, the other striking thing about her was the fact she was covered in heavy chains. She slowly made her way to the surprised crimson noble, dragging the chains through the snow.

"Anastasia! But you're dead!" Marivel gulped.

"Seven years." Anastasia replied. "Marivel, I have come to give you a grave message. I am here tonight to warn you, that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of my procuring, Marivel."

"You were always a good friend to me," said Marivel. "Thank'ee!"

"You will be haunted," resumed the Ghost, "by Three Spirits."

Marivel's countenance fell almost as low as the Ghost's had done.

Is that the chance and hope you mentioned, Anastasia?" she demanded, in a faltering voice.

"It is."

Marivel looked to the three giants, ghostly guardians. One appeared to be a giant floating white robe wrapped around an invisible man with bright blue wings. Another appeared to be a sort of centaur looking creature with the upper half of a man and the lower half of a vicious beast. And the third was a giant shaggy bull with enormous horns protruding from its sides.

"These are the guardians of Christmas. The guardian of heaven and Christmas present, Solus Emsu, the guardian of towns and Christmas past, Ione Paula, and finally, the guardian of castles and the guardian of Christmas future, Zeldukes." Anastasia introduced the three giants.

"Come with ussssssss…" Solus Emsu beckoned with an invisible hand.

"What are you nuts!" Marivel raised an eyebrow. "You may have scared me for a moment, but I'm an immortal, remember? So I'm not going to be wrapped in chains, wandering the globe forever. So sol long suckers!" Marivel grinned. "Quebley!"

The snowy earth tore apart underneath the guardians as the giant drill robot Quebley appeared. He glanced at the enemies with his one eye before exploding. It was an awful explosion: big, bright, hot. When it was all done and over, there remained nothing but charred, torn earth.

The entire bar was at the door, watching the spectacle at hand. "Well make that twelve." Magdalen corrected himself.

----------------- ---------------

Nest time on L/I: Gallows and the gang stop by Los Gamoras for some cocoa and Christmas stories. Will Marivel have to tell one, or will her sister (!) tell it for her! Stay tuned for the next L/I: Licensed by Idiots!

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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: What are you celebrating this season? Could it be Hanukah? Or possibly Ramadan? Maybe even Kwanzaa? If it isn't Christmas, don't let the season get you down! Try telling others about your holiday and inviting them to participate! Unless you celebrate Winter Solstice. Don't invite anyone to that. It's boring, tee hee.

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	9. Holy Man Sorrow

**Chapter 9: Holy Man Sorrow**

Last time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Leehalt Alceste, Asgard, and the green spy are about to celebrate Christmas, but can they find a tree to fit in their apartment! Can Melody find Leehalt that one special gift? Will the spy end up kidnapping a Jack ass penguin to give to Asgard! Will Leehalt end up selling his harmonica to get a gift for Ekatrina! Will Asgard score a perfect ten in the break dancing Olympics! Find out now on L/I: Licensed by Idiots!

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Meria Boule in December was a lovely place. Snow covering the tall rooftops, Christmas lights abound, carolers on the street, overall happy days. The trains rolled by at super sonic speed, dropping people off at electronics district or the book district to go Christmas shopping. The Meria Boule tower was covered in icicles and South Fire Mountain in the distance was smoking silently in the early morning light. Though driving wasn't all the rage in Meria Boule, the streets were still in gridlock, however, the majority of the masses walked, rode the train, or bicycled to work, school, or wherever they were going on the December day.

This was not to last…

The air raid sirens went off, filling the air with blaring noise. The orderly streets immediately set into chaos as pedestrians ran to seek shelter. Tanks rolled into the streets, crushing empty cars as jets and helicopters took to the air. Approaching the city was a giant lizard, towering over the cityscape, by the name of Grudiev. Grudiev stepped into the desert sun, tearing through power lines and giving out a harsh cry. The earth shook with every step the monster took, people fleeing in every direction. The tanks stopped at the edge of the city and fired a volley of shells into the green lizard, but found it to no avail. Oh the humanity! Grudiev continued walking, swatting at helicopters like they were flies.

"You know, this Grudiev thing looks a lot like a guy in a rubber suit…" Gallows commented through a pair of binoculars.

"That would be one big rubber suit." Jane replied, looking through her own pair of binoculars.

The pair were lying on a snow-covered ridge outside Meria Boule, looking on as a giant guardian laid waste to the military forces of Meria Boule. Jack showed up, trudging through the snow, and tapping Jane on the shoulder (whom was still wearing Magdalen's coat). "Hey I found this!"

Jane pulled her gaze away from the carnage to whatever Jack was holding. She rolled over and took the object. "Huh, a Giant's Ocarina. I suppose it'll be good for something." She then noticed Jack standing there, as if waiting for something. "Oh, right." She stood up and attempted to pat his head, but he was too tall. So she just patted his face. "Good Boy."

"Wasn't our mission to save Christmas, not combat guardians all over the globe?" Jack scratched his head as he squinted to see the battle in the distance.

"Wherever there's a woman in trouble, I shall be there." Gallows said, not bothering to look away from his binoculars. "I'm surprised at this mother's height. His easily the biggest one yet!"

"I'm still surprised at the fact that Altecea was actually useful." Jack crossed his arms.

Jane kneeled into the snow and took out an army walkie-talkie. "Hey Magdalen, can you hear me?"

Through the static came Madgalens painfully dull voice. "I can hear you loud and clear madam."

"Well, what's the situation down there like?" Jane asked.

"All the locals seem to be in a fuss over the thing, running for their lives and what not. They keep shouting 'Gludiev! Gludiev! Lun fol youl rives!' Terrible pronunciation, these Meria Boulers." Magdalen reported.

"Uh huh…" Jane sighed. "What about the military? What are they planning?"

"Well, they seemed content on continuing firing useless volleys of shells at the thing. Not much change in the plan really."

"I've got an idea!" Gallows spoke up from his position.

"Yea?" Jack asked, placing a hand to his eyes to block the rising sun.

"Grudiev is a giant monster, right?" Gallows began, "And what do we know about giant monsters?"

"Um, the bigger they are, the harder they fall?" Jack shrugged.

Gallows looked over his shoulder at Jack. "No! That they love women! Beauty always kills the beast."

"And then what comes after the beast has a lady?" Jack asked.

"We push him off a cliff or a building…" Gallows explained.

"I hate to tell you this, but there is no building tall enough to push this guy from." Jack scanned the horizon, seeing the smoking volcano that is South Fire Mountain. "But there's a volcano!"

"Alright, so get Grudiev to fall in love with a girl, then have him chase us to the volcano, and then trick him into falling in!" Gallows said.

"Sounds like a plan, Stan!" Jack grinned.

"Heh. What unlucky fool's gonna end up being loved by the monster?" Jane continued looking through the binoculars. The fact that nobody replied worried her. She turned to look over her shoulder and saw the two men with an evil look in their eye. "No No No NO!"

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"And that should do it!" Gallows finished tying a knot. He and Jack had just finished tying Jane to the top of the Meria Boule Tower. Not so that she couldn't get away, just so she wouldn't fall down.

"Sorry Jane, but it's a looooong fall!" Jack gave a weak smile.

Jane had witch die in her eyes. "You all are going to die!"

"Just keep thinking happy thoughts Jane." Gallows explained as he climbed back into a window.

"We'll be right here." Jack gave a thumbs up as he too climbed back inside the tower.

"How do you know he just won't eat me!" Jane shrieked. "This plan is the stupidest thing ever! I will kill all of you!"

Gallows shook his head. "Women…"

The terrible roar came in. Grudiev had completely wasted the tanks and was now entering the city. Buildings were crushed under his weight. Helicopters continued to buzz around. Jane was seriously freaking out as the giant monster came ever closer. "How is my lady doing?" Magdalens voice came in through the radio.

"Uh, she's just fine." Gallows replied into the talkie he was holding.

"Where is she?" Magdalen asked.

"Uh, in the bathroom…" Gallows replied.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Jane screeched as Grudiev lowered his massive head to stare at her. His giant yellow eye analyzed everything about the girl.

"What was that!" Magdalen asked, worried.

"Holy shit!" Jack jumped.

"OK! Time to go!" Gallows ran for the window to untie Jane.

Grudiev reached for Jane, his massive claws easily tearing her away from the tower. Jane was shrieking her head off as Gallows and Jack fought to get out of the tower before the whole thing toppled over. Grudiev roared and turned, walking through the city with his prize in her hand.

"Let go of me you giant iguana!" Jane tried to pry herself from Grudiev's grip. Unexpectedly, Grudiev was knocked over. He fell down, crushing a couple blocks of city with is spines. Jane, screaming, was still fine in his grip. Grudiev looked up to see a giant armored beetle rocketing through the sky.

"It would appear that Auegodies, the guardian of light, has appeared in the city." Magdalen reported through the walkie-talkie.

"Less talking more running!" Gallows shouted as he and Jack ran down the crumbling stairs.

Grudiev picked himself up and roared at the giant beetle that landed on the other side of the city. The two began running towards each other, demolishing buildings under their steps all the while the "Chariots of Fire" theme played. Auegodies, who resembled a man in a rubber suit as much as Grudiev did, took off as Grudiev fired an energy breath attack from his gaping maw. Buildings came down everywhere, collapsing, falling, and or otherwise being decimated by the monsters rampaging. The carnage, the rising death toll, the countless thousands all perishing to "Chariots of Fire" in the morning sun. Wow, this is really dark. Grudiev placed Jane atop the highest rooftop and glanced at her longingly before turning to fight the other guardian. Jane would have had some sympathy for the beast, if she were any other woman but Jane… or Marivel. Grudiev tackled Auegodies, placing him into a headlock and performing a wrestling move upon the giant insect. Auegodies managed to get out of it and kicked Grudiev in the gut while making high-pitched noises.

Jack and Gallows appeared at the stairway upon the rooftop. "Jane!" Jack shouted, running once again to "Chariots of Fire" to get to Jane.

Jane did the same, running in slow motion across the concrete rooftop. However, when they met, it was not a hug but a high heel striking Jack's chin. Jack fell over to the concrete, a pool of blood forming from his twisted neck. One gimel coin later. "If you EVER pull a stunt like that again, I'll kill you and you won't have any gimel coins left!" Jane roared.

"Um, right." Gallows swallowed. "Listen, we need to get on with the plan! To the Butler-mobile!"

The trio ran down to the street, where Magdalen was waiting in the Butler-mobile. It resembled a normal car, but was black and had nifty fins. The three escaped the building not a moment too soon, for Grudiev came crashing through it as they leaped into the car. Grudiev opened an eye, seeing his love and her new captors taking off. This angered the beast even more than it was already. It picked itself up and roared, following the escaping car. Auegodies was confused as to why it was suddenly left alone. Was Grudiev running away? NO! No mercy for you! Auegodies rocketed off, following Grudiev and eventually ramming square into the back of Grudiev's head. Grudiev came toppling down yet again.

"Must go faster! Must go faster!" Jack shouted as Grudiev was about to fall right on top of them.

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Magdalen growled. "What do you think this is, the mach 5?"

Grudiev's chin crashed into the earth right after the Butler-mobile swerved off, narrowly missing lizard related death. The car continued on the road, it wouldn't be much longer till they reach the top of South Fire Mountain. Grudiev rolled over and caught Auegodies' incoming fist. Grudiev then commenced to giving the beetle a face full of energy breath. Eventually, Auegodies gave out, the energy breath piercing the armor and blowing right on through the giant beast. The guardian rolled over into the snow-covered field, dead. Grudiev roared and picked himself up, seeing the car a bit off. The lizard then ran right after him.

"He's catching up!" Jane shouted.

"Jane, just in case we don't make it," Jack grabbed Jane by the shoulders and commenced to giving her one bonefied super kiss.

"Normally I'd be all for this but," Gallows started. "Now's not the time!" A giant foot crashed into the earth right behind them. Grudiev's massive bulk was now over them as the beast attempted to pass. Magdalen checked the mirrors, sweat rolling down his brow.

"Come on Butler-mobile, don't fail me now!" Magdalen pressed a secret button, wings sprouting out from the side. The volcano rim was right in front of them. "Everyone out now!" Magdalen pressed another button and all the doors opened up.

"Normally, I'd object to leaping out of cars going 88 miles an hour, but I'll make an exception." Jack stated. The four rolled out, falling onto the warm volcano ash as the Butler-mobile flew right over the rim. However, a bridge of stone formed, creating large spikes, which eventually pierced the flying car. Grudiev, not seeing the humans, continued on the bridge over the lava until he picked up the vehicle. "Jane! Use the Ocarina!"

"Hey lizard!" Jane shouted. Grudiev turned around to see the humans on the rim. "You're just not my type!" She blew on the Giant's Ocarina. In a flash, The original Earth Golem Asgard appeared on the stone bridge, blocking Grudiev from the rim. The excess weight cracked the bridge. Grudiev roared as the bridge fell apart, sending him and the Earth golem into the volcano.

Jack quickly grabbed the ocarina and ran down the mountainside and blew it. In a flash, Asgard appeared in the safety of the snow. Clouds of steam formed from Asgard super hot feet. "Saved you big guy." Jack grinned. He looked down the slope. In the city, nothing moved, save Pooka, and Pooka doesn't count. He turned back to volcano, seeing Jane Gallows, and Magdalen coming up to him. He saw Jane marching up and cringed, expecting to be obliterated.

"Hey…" Jane gave a small smile as Jack uncringed. "Thanks for the idea…"

"You're not going to kill me for kissing you?" Jack asked.

Jane shook her head. "You gave me the Ocarina, remember?" She looked to Asgard. "We can use him. You've made yourself useful."

Jack blushed. "Thanks."

"Two more down!" Gallows said as he crashed into Jack. "Now it's off to Thunder Lion Cage! Right?"

"I'd say I agree." Magdalen appeared, smiling as always. "Time to bring Christmas back."

Jack nodded and looked to the bright blue sky. "To Thunder Lion Cage!"

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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Virginia and Jet have set to robbing banks together! Can officer Kannon bring them down, or will these two continue robbing banks across the nation! Find out next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots

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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: Do you know why people kiss under the mistletoe? It's all because in ancient times, Celtic people used it because they thought the liquid inside the berries resembled sem-n. EWWWW! I'm too young to know what that means! My ears!

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	10. Castle Defense

**Chapter 10: Castle Defense**

Last time on L/I: You can find out for yourself with the new L/I: Licensed by Idiots DVD collection! As brought to you by 4kids! Productions, you can expect horrible dubbing, drastic script rewrites, and so much censoring it'll be like watching a five-minute kids cartoon! Yes, the L/I: Licensed by Idiots DVD collection, each DVD sporting four completely random episodes! Buy yours today!

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It had been a long journey, well, not really, because we're only on chapter 10. Chapter 10 isn't very long compared to, shall we say "From Baskar With Love" which sported a very tasty 25 episodes, or a certain story with 80 goddamn chapters. So by saying it was a long journey only after 10 chapters isn't really true. In fact, this is only page 65. Not very long at all! So back to the point, it had been a not terribly long ordeal, this saving Christmas business. The people they met, the places they've been have all been logged into their memories. Yes, memories, the pure and potent source of dreams and legacy. An all too familiar theme found in Wild ARMS or RPG's in general for that matter. The journey had brought the agents around the globe and now, now they come back at the turn of the tide, to Thunder Lion Cage, a hallowed ground forged by disastrous beings that wish to hide Christmas away, forever.

Gallows stood before the new opening, found deep within the stone halls of Thunder Lion Cage, a mysterious wind blowing at his hair. He stared down the new entrance, to a world never seen before. Beside him was his trusty companion Jack Van Burace, and beside him was the new romantic point (but pedophiliac, seeing how Jack is like ten years older) Jane Maxwell and her butler Magdalen… something.

"Well guys, this is it." Gallows explained. "It's do or die time."

"I'm all for the do part." Jack pointed out. "But not so much for the die."

"All out of gimel coins?" Jane raised an eyebrow.

"Yea," Jack sighed. "And nothing seems to be dropping them either…"

"Well," Magdalen interrupted, "We haven't really an inventory of berries, carrots, magic gems, or any other necessity vital to undertaking a major dungeon."

"What, not like it's Spiral Tower or something." Gallows shrugged, "Or Killing Stone Cave. And I handled the abyss with only four gimel coins, 60 potion berries, and 3 mega berries (in Alter Code: F anyway; Oh! That's true, I really did it!)"

"Before we go in," Jane placed a hand on her hip, "We need a resounding speech. Seeing how I'm leader, I'll give it."

"What! What do you mean you're leader? I've been leading the whole time!" Gallows barked, "Therefore, I shall give the speech!"

"O yea!" Jane stepped up to Gallows' face.

"Yea!" Gallows stared her down.

"Ahem." Magdalen cleared his throat. "It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace-- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"

"Good job Magdalen." Jack clapped.

Jane and Gallows pulled away from each other and crossed their arms. Jane was the first to speak. "Let's get this over with!"

"Right. Into the belly of the beast; the danger zone!" Gallows pointed to the entrance. The group then ran down the hallway.

**Danger Zone – Kenny Logins**

Revvin' up your engine  
Listen to her howlin' roar  
Metal under tension  
Beggin' you to touch and go

Highway to the Danger Zone  
Ride into the Danger Zone

Headin' into twilight  
Spreadin' out her wings tonight  
She got you jumpin' off the track  
And shovin' into overdrive

Highway to the Danger Zone  
I'll take you  
Right into the Danger Zone

You'll never say hello to you  
Until you get it on the red line overload  
You'll never know what you can do  
Until you get it up as high as you can go

Out along the edges  
Always where I burn to be  
The further on the edge  
The hotter the intensity

Highway to the Danger Zone  
Gonna take you  
Right into the Danger Zone

Highway to the Danger Zone

The four ran down this dark hall until they stumbled upon what appeared to be a dungeon. Not a video game dungeon by chance, but an actual bonified dungeon, with prison cells and torture devices. The whole area was lit by huge pots of burning oil. Jane walked first in, but found the place guarded. She quickly turned back and ducked below a pile of rocks, where the rest were waiting. "The place is guarded."

"By what?" Jack asked.

"Hold on." Gallows tapped his ear. "O.K. I got the codec working. Let's see." Gallows glanced up to the right corner of the screen. "There's like three of them or so."

"But like I said, what's guarding the place? Security cameras, Russian terrorists, zombie dogs?" Jack asked.

"It's those super hero looking guardians." Jane shrugged.

"Super Hero Guardians?" Gallows thought for a moment. "That's Chapapanga! It's my patron guardian. I'm sure he won't mind me walking out there!"

Jack pulled Gallows back into their hiding spot. "Hold it. Remember what happened at Mount Zenom?"

"Oh yea. That hurt." Gallows remembered.

"So what's the plan?" Magdalen wished to know.

"If it involves me hanging from a building again, I'll rip you apart right now." Jane warned.

"Hmmm…." Gallows put a hand to his chin. "I know. One of us could pretend to be sick, so when the guards come over, the rest of us can ambush them!"

"We're not prisoners." Jack said. "But I know what could work. The old sex appeal trick…"

"I don't think they'll find you very attractive, Jack." Jane pointed out. "Besides, as guardians, do they even like humans?"

"If it's one thing I've learned from Hentai, it's that everything loves a hot chick." Jack raised a finger in the air. "And that's why you need to go show them a leg or something."

"And what? You three here will bust them up when they get over here?" Jane asked.

"Their midgets! What could they possibly do?" Gallows said.

"I'm not sure I agree with this plan," Magdalen said. "The madam is far too young for sexual appeal."

"If it another thing I've learned from Hentai, it's that age is not a problem!" Jack stated.

"You're just creeping me out, you know that." Jane sighed.

Unexpectedly, a short man in a Hawaiian shirt with a large chin and slick black hair joined the group. "Hey! We talking about Hentai over here? Giggity giggity giggity!"

"Speaking of creepy." Jane drew back.

"Not now, who ever you are, we're on a mission to save Christmas." Gallows then pushed Quagmire out of the scene. "So we ready to do this?"

"I guess so…" Jane rolled her eyes and stood up and walked into the open.

"Hey you!" A Chapapanga squeaked in a really high pitch voice.

"You can't be in here!" A second one shouted.

"We represent the Lollypop Guild!" A third one said. All he received were dirty looks from the other guardians. "What?"

"I seem to have become lost," Jane stepped towards the three. "I was looking for a good time but now I don't know where I am." She gave them a dirty smile. She approached one and bent over to see him eye to eye, her cleavage in his face. "Can you help a girl out? I'll do anything…"

"Of course! Just tell us where you wanna go!" The Chapapanga blushed.

"Then follow me." Jane extended her hand to the Chapapanga, but the moment the guardian touched it, he was besieged by Magdalen and Jack who had leaped out from hiding. The guardian never knew what was coming and before you could pronounce Chapapanga correctly, he was a bloody mess on the floor. And before the others could run away, Magdalen and Jack set to beating the crap out of them.

"This is thinking dirty thoughts about my girl!" Jack cleaved into a guardian.

"You shan't touch the lady!" Magdalen tore through another.

Before long it was clear, and the two swordsmen were heaving, their rage spent. Jane was visibly upset, crossing her arms over her chest and tapping her foot, while Gallows came out, sipping a Vanilla Coke.

"Thanks guy. It's good to know that I have two obsessive baby sitters…" Jane said sarcastically.

"So that didn't go to plan," Gallows admitted between sipping Vanilla Coke. "But whatever. Let's vamoose!"

NEIGH! A horse called out from somewhere in the dungeon. This was odd because it was a horse and it was a dungeon and if you put the two together you get a horse in a dungeon, which doesn't make any sense at all, even in Wild ARMs. This odd noise attracted the ears of Jane, who being female, had a soft spot for such creatures. She immediately rushed off, searching for the origin of the neigh.

"Women and horses. What's up with that?" Jack asked nobody in particular.

"We better follow." Magdalen nodded. "Who knows what evil lurks in the deep places of the world?"

"Only the Shadow knows!" Gallows shouted as the three men folk made after the woman folk.

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It wasn't far at all and it probably didn't need a separator from the previous paragraph, but the four found themselves staring at the contents on a prison cell. Inside such cell was a small white horse with an enormous mane, a red scarf, and a horn protruding from its head.

"Aw! It's a unicorn!" Jane announced.

"A unicorn? But aren't they like extinct?" Gallows thought.

"This one must be the last unicorn!" Jack placed a hand to his chin.

"But what would **G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N** want with a unicorn, and what does a unicorn have to do with Christmas?" Magdalen asked.

The unicorn then turned to the camera and began talking, unnoticeable to the agents' ears. "Uh oh kids, the evil Equitess is coming down the stairs! We have to warn the humans! You have to shout neigh! Are you ready? NEIGH! …Did you say neigh? We have to say it louder! NEIGH! …We're you loud enough? Good! Let's shout it one more time! NEIGH! Good job!"

The Unicorn's (and the audience's) incessant neigh-ing alerted the agents to an evil presence near by. Taking the unicorns warning, the three decided to hide behind a big black boiling cauldron sitting in the middle of the room near a huge table and a stairway. Loud thuds came from the stairs as Equitess, an enormous white bipedal reptile with a sword growing out of it's back and a white feathered wing as well, came down the stairs. The creature had no eyes, but it knew where it was going. In it's clawed hands it had many kinds of vegetables, which it plopped into the giant cauldron.

"Who that?" Gallows nudged Jack.

Jack squinted. "I think that's Equitess, the sword guardian. He was my patron guardian before this Christmas nonsense!"

"SHHH!" Magdalen and Jane both urged the other two to please shut the hell up.

"Kekekekeke." Equitess laughed in a horrible deep voice. "My preparations are almost complete. The last ingredient is the horn of a unicorn! And then I shall become all powerful and make the princess my wife!"

"You'll never get away with it!" Cecelia, who was locked in a cell, shouted. "I'll never marry you, you guardian thing! Oh where is Tom Cruise!"

"Not even Tom Cruise will be able to stop me once I have Oderyuk's horn! Kekekekekekeke!" Equitess dropped in an ingredient into the cauldron, causing a red light to blanket the dungeon.

"Did you hear that?" Jane whispered. "Not even Tom Cruise!"

"This guy must be seriously powerful." Jack crossed his arms. "Wait, did Cecelia get herself captured again?"

"She's a princess. Happens all the time." Gallows shrugged. "Now, we gotta stop sword boy there from getting Oderyuk's horn."

"If I recall correctly, Oderyuk is the guardian of life." Magdalen stated.

"Then you don't recall correctly, why would guardians be eating each other?" Gallows narrowed his brow.

"The same reason the giant beetle attacked Grudiev. The same reason Moor Gualt got rid of Lucadia and Aru Sulato. Because they're loosely organized and are a bunch of idiots." Jane explained.

"Hey! I've got an idea!" Gallows mustered up his 'feminine' voice. "Ahem! It's me, the princess, and not someone pretending to be her. I've a question for you Equitess! Why did you steal Christmas?"

Equitess snorted. "It sounds like you've come down with a cold." Cecelia was confused. "The king of the guardians stole Christmas from the humans in order to execute the grand plan. Only he and the Guardian Lords know what the plan is!"

"Isn't that what it always is?" Jack shrugged.

"Yea. Yea it is." Gallows sighed. "so how do we get rid of him!"

NEIGH! The agents looked to Oderyuk, who was pointing his horn to a large pot of burning oil just over Equitess' head. Gallows stared at it for a moment. "I'm not getting the connection…"

Jane rolled her eyes. "Follow me guys!" Jane then ran past Equitess and towards the stairs. The men followed, stopping on the stairway.

"HEY! Aren't you going to rescue me!" Cecelia shrieked.

"WHAT!" Equitess yelled turning to look at the stairs. "You dare make a fool out of me!"

"We're not Tom Cruise." Jack rubbed his nose. "But you're not exactly Tim Curry either!"

"Quit with the eighties references." Jane jabbed Jack. "No Unicorn for you!" She then drew her tiny ARM and fired, cutting the rope and letting the fiery oil fall over Equitess. In a fit of loud screams and roars, Equitess died a very painful death. Not recommended for sympathy killing.

"Right! Time to get these guardian Lords!" Gallows made a fist. "For Christmas!"

"HEY!" Cecelia shouted.

"Oh right." Jack ran down to the cell and unlocked it.

"Thanks, but from here I can handle it myself." She then walked out the way they came.

"Hey! I found some treasure!" Jack smiled. He then ran back to the stairs and handed it to Jane.

"Good Boy." Jane patted Jack on the head. "Now go play point!"

And thus the four ran up the stairs, forgetting all about poor Oderyuk. Awwwwwwwwww…

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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Will we reference "Legend" again? Perhaps maybe "Willow"? Or even "Greyhawk"? Who knows, maybe we'll get with it and do "Lord of the Rings"! Find out next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots

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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: ZOMGWTFBBQ!1111eleventy-one1 its' the n00b with the pr0n, lulz internet!

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	11. Life Flame

**Chapter 11: Life Flame**

Hi! Lilka here and its time for my shout outs! Let's make magic people!

**Gallows Stalker: **Yay! Great chapters are good chapters! I'm glad you like 'em!

**Teefa & co.: **Oh trust me, we can do obscure references! We just don't, because you wouldn't get it, and then you wouldn't be ehl o ehl-ing, and that would make me sad. But I'm going to tell the author to put in a Suikoden or Skies of Arcadia or Okage: Shadow King reference just for you!

Keep reviewin' because it keeps me in my job! Bye!

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The stairway was evil. Yes, evil. It must have been a guardian itself, the guardian of stairs. It was Professor X's greatest weakness, Barret's greatest annoyance, and the bane of RPG gamers everywhere. Long flights of stairs that just go around and around. Gallows had found it odd that about after twenty steps, the stairs reversed and went down, down, down in a Ring of Fire. Ka Dingel was no match for this staircase. It was even longer than Spiral Tower. By God, it was ridiculously long. It was longer than Valmar's Moon, longer than Icarian City, longer than the moon, longer than the N-Zone, longer than Lavos, longer than the Ceremonial Site, longer than Nightmare Castle, longer than Crater, longer than Kefka's Tower, longer than the Hydra, longer than the World's Library, longer than End of the World, Longer than the Farplane, longer than Sin, longer than Ultimecea's Castle, longer than Memoria, longer than Dark Falz's Ruins, longer than, well, the point is that it was really long.

The quartet set up camp along one of the stone stairs. It was kind of odd, seeing tents inside a hallway, but whatever. The four were roasting wienies over a fire. Gallows was the first to clear his throat. "Guys, I just wanna say that I'm sorry for bringing you into this ridiculously long dungeon. If we ever make it through, I just want you guys to know that you're the second best team I've ever had."

"Gee thanks Gallows…" Jane frowned. "I just want you to know that even though you're our self appointed leader, I still think you're an idiot."

"Harsh man. Ouch." Gallows replied.

"But it hasn't been all bad. I got more action than I usually do with just Magdalen." Jane smiled.

Magdalen blushed. "I would like to express my thanks towards you two agents for your endeavors. They may have not made a lot of sense or been unnecessarily dangerous, but they were amusing."

"Guys!" Jack interrupted. "Let's stop talking like this. Yea, I know this dungeon is incredibly long and that eventually we'll have to climb all the way back up, but we're going to make it. You gotta believe me!"

"Um, Ok." Gallows shrugged.

"Sure." Jane replied.

"Yes." Magdalen stated.

Jack grabbed Gallows' shoulders and shook him willy-nilly. "You gotta believe me man! Snap out of it! We're going to pull through!"

"OK! OK! OK!" Gallows hastily agreed.

Magdalen cleared his throat. "Well, tomorrow is Christmas and even though we may not make rescue it in time, I still think we should celebrate normally." Magdalen reached into his tent and pulled out a present, which he handed to Jane. "This is for you, my lady."

Jane quickly grabbed it and threw off the wrapping. Inside the box was a …gift card? Jane pulled it out and examined it. "A gift card to Hechts?"

"Worth two hundred gella." Magdalen replied.

"Oh thank you!" Jane launched herself at the elder butler. "When we get back, I'm hitting the mall!"

Not to be outdone, Jack tapped Jane on the shoulder. "Here, this is for you! I found it in the dungeon."

Jane hesitantly took the wrapped box and sighed. "Thanks Jack. Let me guess, a potion berry?"

"No. Just take a look." Jack grinned.

Jane shrugged and unwrapped the present. She smiled an enormous mile as she uncovered the contents of the box. "A Sheriff Star! Wow! I don't know what to say!"

Jack rubbed the back of his neck as Jane went on about the wonderful Sheriff Star. Gallows raised an eyebrow. "Don't you need to beat Ragu o Ragla twice to get the Sheriff Star?"

"Shhhh!" Jack placed a finger to his lips. "Ragu o Ragla doesn't need to know it's missing."

"Well, where's my presents?" Gallows crossed his arms over his chest.

"Oh I didn't forget you." Jack pulled a treasure chest out of the tent. He then dropped it into Gallows lap, which cause Gallows a bit of pain.

"Gee, thanks…" Gallows said through tears. "I wonder what it could be?"

"You got Gallows a whole treasure chest and not me!" Jane was shocked.

"Well I don't know what's in it yet." Jack shrugged. "Beside, that's the freekin' Sheriff Star."

Gallows popped the latch, but found the contents perplexing. As two wheels magically flew out of the box and attached themselves to the bottom of the chest. Two spindly arms came out with clamping metal hands. Gallows hopped back. "Imitator!" And thus the imitator set to chasing the four down the stairs, leaving their camp behind. The imitator, that sneaky devil, persued our heroes down the stairs until they reached the bottom, where the imitator simply slammed into a wall and broke apart. The agents had also slammed into that very wall, but because they were not made of wood, they would survive. Yes, there are advantageous to not being made of wood.

"Boy am I glad that I'm not made of wood." Gallows shook his head as he recollected himself.

"That goes double for me." Jane replied.

"Hey guys, I think we're at the end!" Jack called from a distance.

"How so?" Magdalen asked, walking away from the wall and onto a bridge, spanning the darkness of the planet.

"Well," Jack began, "Here's a crystal. I bet it's a teleport crystal that'll warp us to the end of the dungeon."

The others followed Magdalen as they approached the crystal. It was red, about eight feet tall, and spinning silently. Magdalen put a hand to his chin in thought. "Once we touch this crystal, we'll be warped to somewhere else. But will there be a way to get back?"

Jane swallowed. "There has to be a way back! The guardians are in there, right?" She bit her lip. "Besides, it won't do me any good to have this gift card if I can't come back."

"Well, Gallows turned to face the three others." Like I said before, it's do or die time. For Christmas! …again."

"Right." The three replied. Gallows stepped first and touched the warp crystal. The world flashed before his eyes and before he knew it, he was drifting in space. He immediately set to holding his breath as the other three warped in.

"Holy shit!" Jack was surprised. "Where the hell are we!"

"Are we in space?" Jane asked, holding down her dress as they drifted.

Gallows looked to them and pointed at his bulging cheeks, trying to get them to hold their breath.

"Gallows! What's with the face?" Magdalen asked.

"Now is not the time for charades!" Jane shook her head.

"No! You guys, there's no air in space!" Gallows shouted. "Wait." Gallows took in a breath. "Feels like air, tastes like air, smells like air."

"My guess this isn't really space, but one of those abstract dungeons." Jack said, floating upside down.

"I hate to alarm you." Magdalen cleared his throat. "But there is no warp crystal."

It was true, for the warp crystal was nowhere to be seen. Jane started freaking out. "How do we get back! What good will it do us to get Christmas if we can't get back!"

Gallows looked around. There was no one around, save Pooka, who doesn't count. However, floating a bit yonder was a path construed of twisting metal, looping around each other in the form of a double helix, stretching off towards the horizon. "Hey! Let's go there!"

And so they did. The path was adorned with all sorts of symbolic décor. Clocks pendulums, trees, flowers, fire, and ice. The three, throwing caution to the wind, decided just to screw everything and run right through it. They ran through a halo of burning light, teleporting them to what could be described as Mars in the middle of a dust storm. Seeing how it really wasn't much weirder than the rest of the place, they ran straight down the path, past the melting clocks, the giraffes on fire, the elephants with beetle legs, and the floating crucifixes before running through another golden halo, teleporting them to an underwater locale. The agents were able to breathe, mysteriously enough, as they continued running down the path of coral and ancient, prehistoric fishes and marine life. However, they soon came across a several branches in the path.

"Aw damnit!" Gallows stomped his foot. "We're going to be here forever."

"Which one should we take?" Jane asked as an early jellyfish swam overhead.

"Hey!" Jack pointed out. "We can ask those two guys."

Yes, sitting near the branching paths were two lizardians. One was a small, thin lizard creature wearing a white cape, and the other a large, fat brown lizard in samurai armor. Gallows frowned. "Liz and Ard! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" And then he turned into "The Scream" Painting.

Magdalen turned to Gallows. "Do you by chance know these two?"

"Yes! They were **P.R.O.P.H.E.T** members who destroyed Guild Galad a few years back. They're really annoying!" Gallows explained.

"Well look who showed his nickel clad face." Liz, the smaller of the two reptiles, grinned. "That malicious piece of raw leather they call Gallows Carradine."

"Hey!" Jane stepped foreword, showing off her ARMS badge. "You two are under arrest! Now, tell us which way to the guardians before I kick your asses!"

Ard growled and stood up, dwarfing Jane. "ARD!"

"Calm down, my water Lilly friend." Liz spoke, "You can only arrest the delicate flower of carnage that is moi and my viewtiful friend, the lonely stingray of hope, Ard, if you can pull a Houdini and get us out of this absurd locality."

"No, but I can kick your ass!" Jane grabbed Liz by the collar. "I have the Sheriff Star!"

Ard was about to draw the katana when Liz spoke. "Ard, your skill is most delightful and alarming, however now is not the time view the spectacle of your strawberries and crème sword. We may be Pop stars, but your sheriff star dims our light like a canopy of frosty evil. The masters of 1984, the guardians, dwell down this path." Liz pointed to a particular path of coral. "The master of 1984, with their awe inspiring powers of a podium, will definitely bring a ray of hopelessness into your torn hearts."

"What he say?" Jack scratched his head.

"I don't know. But he pointed out this path! Let's go!" Jane dropped Liz and started down the path. The three men ran after her down the ocean path until they came through another halo. This time, they emerged in a castle. Or the remains of one. Huge chunks of a long forgotten castle were floating through the cold void of space, orbiting a planetoid being born. It was a large sphere of fire and rock with explosions and arcs of magma flying off the surface of the horrid world. The agents, once done viewing the mysterious world, were disappointed to see that their entrance was no more. The only path they could take was a thin stone bridge connecting two chunks of castle together. The four crossed it and came across a large circle with many intricate designs woven through it. Gallows, Jack, Jane, and Magdalen, all stopped in their tracks, a dark presence growing near.

"The hell below us is the creation of a world." A deep voice bellowed. The agents immediately set to finding the source of the voice.

"Through such malevolence, beauty is formed." A female voice spoke.

"Chaos and darkness are the beginning, and chaos and darkness will return." A dark, raspy voice said.

"And the hope of Filgaia, this star being born underneath us, will vanish with time." A heavy, powerful voice prophesized.

"Come out!" Jack shouted. "We're here for Christmas!"

As Jack wished, four figures phased into the material. One was a large man in thick armor, with an enormous blade and a lion's head. A second figure was a blonde woman with crimson armor as well as angelic wings. The third figure was a black and purple spiked wolf, and the fourth a floating metallic dragon…thing. "We are the guardian Lords." The last one spoke. "Caretakers of the essence of Filgaia."

"Christmas must be done away with, for Filgaia's future!" The lion headed warrior bellowed.

"We must return to the correct path or all will be lost." The female warrior said.

"Christmas only aides mans desires." The wolf growled.

"And you guys are…?" Gallows raised an eyebrow.

"I am Justine, guardian of courage." The lion headed one stated.

"I am Raftina, guardian of love." The female introduced herself.

"I am Lucied, guardian of desire." The wolf snorted.

"And I am Zephyr, the guardian of hope." The dragon thing said.

"So which one of you clowns is the guardian king?" Jack asked.

"The guardian king is tending to Christmas." Zephyr replied. "He is too busy to deal with you."

"So we shall destroy you for him." Lucied stepped towards our heroes.

"Though we admire your courage and endurance." Justine began, "You cannot interfere with the kings plan."

"Prepare to meet Solus Emsu." Raftina raised her blade. "You shall die a thousand deaths!"

"We've already met him." Gallows replied.

"What do you mean Christmas will destroy us?" Magdalen interrupted the morons. "Christmas is a wonderful time f year. I do not see where this is going."

"Yea! Only scrooges hate Christmas!" Jane added.

"Guardians are the ones who maintain this world." Zephyr raised himself in the air. "And we maintain our power through worship."

"However Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus and the religion following him. Each passing Christmas, our powers grow dimmer as more and more attention focused on this non guardian holiday." Justine continued.

"So in order to save Filgaia from immanent doom, we stole Christmas. Once it is destroyed, the humans will have to worship us gain and our power will return." Raftina explained.

"And the commercial desires of men will fade once there is no more reason to attain gifts and presents for one another." Lucied stated.

"Group huddle!" Gallows shouted. The agents all tuned in for the game plan. "O.K. So do we believe them? It sounds kind of fishy."

"I still do not see how harm could come out of Christmas." Magdalen said. "But their story does seem true. Filgaia has been dying for some time."

"Because of Christmas?" Jane asked. "What about our orders? We can't go back on them."

"The guardians don't make sense to me." Jack shook his head. "The world' probably better off without them. We'll probably nuke ourselves first before we die from Christmas overdose."

"But even with the Sheriff Star, I don't think we can tackle the guardian Lords." Jane narrowed her brow. "We're going to need a plan."

Gallows nodded. "And I got the perfect one. You guys just follow my lead." Gallows broke the huddle and turned to the Lords. "Hey, you're plan doesn't make any sense! If Filgaia will fade if you're gone, how come it hasn't already? We've killed a good number of them already!"

"WHY YOU!" Justine roared, drawing his mighty cleaver. "I shall tear you apart right now!

"Wait though! How about instead of Christmas, you take Hanukkah!" Gallows offered.

"Gallows, no one on Filgaia is Jewish!" Jane shook her head.

"Yes, the girl has a point." Zephyr added.

"Not true!" Gallows pulled out his toy guitar and plucked a chord. "There's plenty of Jews! Just listen to my song, and you'll see!

Put on your yamaca

It's time for Hanukkah

So much fun-uka

To celebrate Hanukkah

Hanukka is, the festival of lights

Instead of one day of presents

We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town

Without a Christmas tree

Here's a list of people who are Jewish

Just like you and me

Timothy Rhymeless lights the menorah

So does Alfred Shroedinger and the late Dina

Shora

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli

Tesla humming Sha NaNa and Arthur Fonzerelli.

Marina's half Jewish, Melody half, too.

Put them together, what a fine looking Jew

You don't need deck the halls or Jingle Bell Rock

'Cuz you can spin a dredle with Captain Bart and Mr. Spock

Both Jewish!

Kuiper belt, not a Jew

But guess who is, Beatrice that crazy fool

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby

Brad Evan's a quarter Jewish

Not too shabby

Some people think that Marivel is

Well she's not, but guess who is

Her sister Mirabelle

So many Jews are in show biz

Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica

It's time to celebrate Hanukkah

Don't forget the harmonica

On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah

So drink your gin and tonic-a

And smoke your maraijuana-ca

If you really, really, really, really wanna-ka

Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Hannukah

Happy Hanukkah!"

"Wow! There really are a lot of Jews!" Jane was impressed.

"Indeed there are." Zephyr replied. "But it is not up to us to decide this business. We still must protect the interests of the guardian king!"

"Did I mention Virginia Maxwell is Jewish too?" Gallows added.

"Nuh uh! You're pulling my leg! Really?" Jack asked.

"Virginia Maxwell? A main character Jewish? We might have to give this Hanukkah business more thought." Zephyr placed a golden claw to his chin.

"Right. Well while you guys are doing that, which way to the guardian king?" Gallows asked

"Oh just got through here." Zephyr pointed to the circle with intricate designs running through it.

That was kind of weird, but then this whole dungeon is. So without thinking twice, Gallows ran past the lords and through the circle, disappearing to another realm. Not to be left behind, his compatriots made suit, teleporting to wherever the king was, leaving behind four contemplating guardian lords and Pooka, who didn't count.

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Next time on L/I: The final showdown, Gallows and ARMs versus the guardian king and his court! Who will it be! Find out next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots!

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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: Lucied is known for his hermaphroditic nature, constantly switching between male and female! The one here is the Twilight Venom/ Wild ARMs 2nd Ignition version, which means he's a guy! Though in the first Wild ARMs, he was a she and in Alter Code: F, she was an it. I'm not sure about Advanced the 3rd, but I think he was an it there too! Lucied is weird!

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	12. Cosmic Cog

**Chapter 12: Cosmic Cog**

The party of four flashed into a world unlike any other. They appeared upon the chrome palm of a giant metal hand, its fingers pointed towards the heavens. Though the heavens, as well as the earth and all the horizons were composed of highly reflective shining constantly churning blue mud.

"O.K." Gallows whistled as he took a step across the palm. "I'm getting a feeling of déjà vu here, like I've seen this blue mud before."

"Me too…" Jack scratched his head.

"That's not important right now!" Jane stomped. "We have to find the guardian king so we can get Christmas back!"

"It may be too late." Magdalen took out a gold watch on a chin from his pocket. "It's the 25th already."

"We didn't get it in time?" Jack turned to face Magdalen.

"I'm afraid it's so. We've come all this way, but we just weren't quick enough." Magdalen replied.

"Who knows what's going on the surface right now." Jane shook her head. "Without Christmas, without peace on Earth for just one day… These guardians are going to pay!"

Gallows narrowed his brow and walked towards the center of the palm and looked straight up, where the index finger of the monumental hand was pointing. There was a point of shining white light straight above, in which it appeared this sphere of mud was revolving around. A soft choral melody could be heard as well as the churning of the mysterious muddy liquid. Gallows closed his hands into fists and shouted towards the light. "Guardian King! Come out and give back Christmas!"

At that moment, a shower of dazzling light exploded from above and, at first a blazing white silhouette, appeared two figures. A woman with long black hair and mysterious eyes and an enormous black sea turtle with enormous flippers, which in his floating state resembled wings. The two stayed levitating just above the tip of the index finger, looking down upon their human guests.

"Who is he whom wishes to speak to the guardian king?" The woman asked.

"We are!" Gallows shouted. "Which one of you is the guardian king?"

"Obviously the turtle." Jane sighed. "Guardian KING."

The mysterious woman spoke. "I am the herald Celesdue, guardian of the moon. This is Shturdark, guardian of water and king of all the guardians." She waved her hand towards the enormous sea turtle, which made no effort to acknowledge her introduction.

"Shturdark?" Jack stepped towards the center of the palm, tilting his head in confusion. "Shturdark, as in the first guardian you get in every game? The most basic of all guardians is the king of guardians!"

"It's never who you think is will be…" Jane sighed. "Until last chapter, I was sure it was going to be Zephyr."

"What business do you have at the court of Shturdark?" Celesdue asked. "None of you are shamans, so you are wasting our time."

"Oh. Right." Gallows cleared his throat. "We've come for Christmas! We may be late, but late is better than never!"

"So hand it over!" Jack joined in. "Before we rough you up!"

"We have the sheriff star!" Jane added. "And we're determined as hell!"

"We have been fighting for so long." Magdalen drew his blade. "You owe us at least an explanation."

"I owe you no such thing." Shturdark's voice was surprisingly calm and serene, such as the ocean tide. "However, my efforts are about to be unleashed upon the world. You might as well hear it. At noon today, when the people of Filgaia have all learned of Christmas' disappearance, when they are void of the feeling that comes once a year, when they find that this day is just like every other chaos infused day on Filgaia, I shall announce a new tradition that shall take this world back to the days of yore."

"A simpler time." Celesdue floated around the turtle. "When men feared the world around them and looked to the skies and the stars for hope from we guardians."

"A new holiday to replace Christmas!" Magdalen echoed.

"What about gingerbread houses, stockings and presents!" Jane asked.

"The commercialism that drives men in this time of the year shall be gone. Instead, it shall be a day of remembrance and worship to the guardians." Shturdark told them.

"My God…" Jack gasped.

"And what about the most important thing about Christmas? The office parties? What about them!" Gallows desperately sought an answer.

"Such vice shall be erased from this day." Celesdue answered. "It will be a day of purity and cleansing, strengthening the guardians."

"What would you call such a mad holiday?" Magdalen growled.

Shturdark's eyes were a glow. "Gahooladay: day of the guardians."

"Gahooladay?" Jane raised an eyebrow. "What kind of name is that? Merry Gahooladay?"

"Salutationary Gahooladay" Celesdue corrected. "That is what the people will say every December 25th from her on."

Gallows looked to the other three agents with a look of determination. "It's not just bad that their taking Christmas away, but their taking all the fun stuff that goes with it too! No more presents, food, parties, or women! This isn't about Christmas anymore! It's for the people! For Filgaia!"

"For Filgaia!" Jack, Jane, and Magdalen raised their fists in the air.

Gallows turned back towards the guardians, drawing his PP7. "Sorry Shturdark, but this is for the good of the people!"

"Their discontent is growing dangerous." Celesdue reported to the giant turtle. "Shall I crush them for you, oh King?"

"No. I shall do this myself." Shturdark lowered himself towards the hand, his size becoming a reality. He easily dwarfed all the agents. A sense of hopelessness washed over the humans.

"That's it! Laser silhouette!" Jack drew his blade and leaped towards the broad black shell, slashing an uncountable amount of times before landing back upon the palm. Magdalen also leaped towards him, enacting Heaven's Justice with power of his blade. Yet both attacks didn't harm the mighty turtle. Shturdark didn't bother to move. Instead, spheres of water formed from the air, then erupted into powerful streams, blasting into the four opponents. With Celesdue's added magic, the powerful attack knocked all four agents down, severely weakened.

"There is no might greater than the sea and the moon, together controlling the tide." Celesdue warned from her hovering position.

"That was my best guys." Jack sighed. "I'm done."

"I think we all are." Jane replied.

"Let Gahooladay reign." Shturdark announced, powering up the same attack. However, Gallows, the ever-observant pupil that he is (yea right), caught a glimpse of something. Flashing into the sphere in the same manner the guardians did came Pooka. This was odd, as Pooka never counted for anything. The purple cat flew to just over the two guardians and rather quickly grew a giant head! Its head became so enormous that even the guardians paid attention. Now knowing what the hell was happening, everyone was confused. Then Pooka quickly snapped up the turtle and the moon guardians, giving them a little chew, and swallowing. It then resumed normal size.

The agents were stunned. Gallows finally shook it off though and stood up. "What the hell was that!

"Pooka ATE the guardian king!" Jack shook his head.

"What are you doing Pooka?" Jane asked as she and Magdalen stood up.

"Pooka is not Pooka." Pooka began his confusing statements again. "Pooka has no self. Pooka merely represents the guardians."

"So you ATE them!" Gallows yelled. "I mean, what the hell?"

"Pooka has gathered all the guardians in one place. All of the guardians power now rests within Pooka, who will now act out the will of the guardians." Pooka explained.

"ALL the guardians! That can't be! We killed most of them!" Jane shouted. "Even the lords?"

"You were following us the whole time, weren't you Pooka?" Jack announced. "What kind of evil plan are you cooking up!"

"Pooka has unified the guardians in a way that they could not. Their essences shall be transformed into one being with self." Pooka then shattered into a hundred glowing specks above their heads. The specks then quickly began to spin around and around, forming a sphere of dashing lights. In yet another brilliant flash of light, where once there were specks there was now a horrible giant semitransparent green sphere, it's surfaces covered in churning human faces. The sphere, as the guardian king once did, floated over the hand. "Behold Gaia, the collective guardian!" Gaia bellowed in what sounded like a dozen different voices.

"This shit just keeps getting weirder and weirder." Gallows swallowed.

"Gaia? What do you plan on doing with Christmas?" Magdalen shouted. "If you are not interested, we shall simply take it."

"Christmas?" Gaia's voices asked. "Our plan for Christmas differs from the guardian king's. We shall take hold of each and every person on Filgaia and force them into worshipping us. Not just on one day, but all year round. Filgaia will constantly be strengthening us with their minds and prayers, forever." Gaia then shot several dozen tentacles into the blue liquid. "No longer will people have the option to choose whom they shall admire. There will only be us!"

"Things just went from bad to worse, didn't they?" Gallows turned to face the group.

"That's a big hell yes." Jack sighed.

"Well, we couldn't handle Shturdark, you think we can handle Gaia?" Jane asked.

"We can only try." Magdalen held up his blade. "And that will be good enough for me."

Gallows smiled. "Right. We have to do something, because sitting here and jabbing isn't going to accomplish anything!"

The four looked back up to Gaia, who was pulsing a variety of colors, electrical discharge zapping off it. It was definitely doing something bad. The four swallowed and readied their weapons. Gallows crawled up a finger and began firing into Gaia as Jack Laser Silhouetted the being. Magdalen continued with Heaven's Justice and Jane continued taking shots with her arm. Gaia, unlike Shturdark, appeared to be taking damage. They continued doing this for about eight minutes or so before Jane dropped to her knees, her gun falling onto the chrome palm. She instantly grabbed her head and closed her eyes, shouting. "Gaia's starting to take over!"

Magdalen dropped his sword and rushed over to the lady, but found his mind being tapped as well. Jack looked to Gallows, who nodded. Gallows shouted. "We gotta hurry!"

"Right! But I'm getting exhausted!" Jack yelled as he did another Laser Silhouette.

"Gallows!" Jane shouted. Gallows glanced over to see Jane toss him the Sheriff Star. With a little luck, he caught it. She then pulled out an enormous bomb from her dress. It was gray and had her face plastered on it. "Take this you son of a bitch!" She tossed the bomb at Gaia as Jack performed another Laser Silhouette. With the Sheriff Star, Jack leaped from the finger, grabbing into Gaia and firing with his now super abilities! The bomb went off in combination with the three other attacks. Now even Gallows and Jack could feel the mind tap. Jack fell to the floor, completely drained of the energy required for the skill. Gallows fell as well, albeit a bit slower due to sinking through Gaia. Surprisingly, the mind tap grew dimmer as Gaia's pulsing colors went faster. All of the faces had a look of horror.

"NO! We can not vanish! We are essential! We are vital! We are Filgaia!" Gaia spouted in the voices. And then, the blue, shining mud surrounding everything began to form tentacles, stretching towards Gaia and latching on. In a moment, Gaia stopped flashing colors and its faces froze, turning a dull gray.

"Did we do it?" Jack asked.

"Where is Christmas?" Magdalen asked.

"What the hell is this?" Gallows raised an eyebrow at the blue mud. "Oh shit. Now I remember why it's so damn familiar!"

An arm of the blue mud stretched towards the index finger, disconnecting and morphing into a young woman, somewhere in her late teens, with fair skin, soft brown hair, blue sparkling eyes, and blue robes. Her expression was empty as she now stood atop the finger, looking down at the humans. "I am Glaive Le Gable. Guardian of the Origin."

"Shit. Another one!" Jane cursed.

"Didn't Pooka say he ate all of the guardians?" Jack looked to Gallows.

"All of the guardians beyond myself have been converted into Gaia, the collective guardian." Glaive Le Gable explained. "However, I have taken hold of Gaia, paralyzing it."

"Oh thanks." Gallows breathed a sigh of relief. "I knew I could always count on you."

"You are the being whom had asked of my abilities before." Glaive Le Gable looked at Gallows. "Your body was destroyed but I crafted you a superior vessel with your will to drive it. However, using my ability of the origin, your will reverted back to its original form."

Gallows shrugged. "It's not that I didn't like your golden hero body, its just that if I didn't go back, I was going to die from being smacked around by Nega Filgaia."

"For that treachery," Glaive Le Gable began to show anger. "I shall never forgive you. This Christmas you seek has caused many problems with many beings. It is chaotic and unwieldy. But this is because of men, not itself. Men have become flawed over the ages and it just now that I see it."

"What are you going to do! Force us to worship you like Gaia was going to do?" Jane hissed.

"No." Glaive Le Gable replied. "Gaia is still tapped into every being on the planet. Using my memories and the humans' will power, I shall drive Filgaia back and start all over, from the origin. From there, time shall start anew and life will find a new course. The guardians shall be reborn and we shall direct life in a more direct approach." Glaive Le Gable then floated into the air and came to rest upon Gaia. Still showing little emotion, she melted into the blue mud, merging with the gray Gaia. Gaia began flashing colors again, and the agents could feel not only Gaia tapping into their minds, but Glaive Le Gable's reach as well.

"Make it stop!" Jane shouted. She grabbed onto Jack. "Can't we do something?"

Jack winced as he felt his mind being grasped. He placed his arms around Jane and swallowed. "I don't know!"

Gallows and Magdalen continued attacking Gaia, even as their minds were being taken hold of. Nothing was working! Nothing at all! Eventually Magdalen stopped, dropping to the ground. Images of Filgaia flashed through his head, static filling his ears. Gallows continued firing, now that even he couldn't see nor hear. The static was so loud and the images so fast. Gallows eventually dropped to his knee, his gun out of his grasp. "Is there nothing I can do?" Gallows shouted, but no one could listen. "Is this the end!"

And then there was nothing but pitch-blackness. No images, no color, no sound. Gallows couldn't see his body and couldn't feel it either. It felt like only his mind was left. After what seemed like an eternity passed before the black faded away into nothing but white. Gallows could once again see his hands and feel his body again. What had happened? Was this the origin? There was no one around, not Jack, not Jane, not Magdalen, not Lilka, not Marivel, not even Pooka. If this was the origin of the universe, how come he was here, who shouldn't be born for another eight billion years. "Just what's going on!" Gallows screamed.

"This is the Horizon." A soft, feminine voice replied. Gallows turned around to see a young blonde girl with green eyes standing there, wearing a green blouse and red mittens, with a red cap and brown dog like ears. "I am Mariel, and this is the Horizon."

"The Horizon? You mean the crazy place Ginny was talking about? Between worlds!" Gallows recalled.

Mariel nodded. "You are between the present Filgaia and the Filgaia of the beginning. The Filgaia of the present has yet to be destroyed and the Filgaia of the beginning has yet to be created. Glaive Le Gable is using the will power of everyone on Filgaia to create this new Origin."

"So Jack, Jane, and everyone are still around?" Gallows asked, sweat rolling down his face.

"They are gone." Mariel shook her head. "The planet is physically gone, however, it is still in your head!" Mariel pointed to Gallows. "And you will join them once Glaive Le Gable has finished her Origin."

"Then there has to be a way to stop her! To bring everyone back! There just has to!" Gallows bent down and clamped onto Mariels' shoulders.

"It certainly seems hopeless." Mariel began, "But you can counter her will. If your will is stronger, than the Filgaia that you know from your memories will come to be."

"But she has the willpower of everyone on Filgaia! It's just you and me! Left!" Gallows shook his head. "I'm doomed."

"Will power," Mariel looked Gallows in the eye. "Is your determination. If you want Filgaia back enough, you might be able to defeat Glaive Le Gable, even with all the people on the planet. Will power is up to you, not any one else. No one can help you here."

Gallows took a breath and narrowed his brow. "You're right! I can't expect someone to save my ass every time! This is up to me!" Gallows stood up. "I love Filgaia and all the wierdo's in it! That's why I'm keeping it! I'm going to make Filgaia as it should be!"

Mariel smiled before everything shattered. Gallows found himself in subspace with Glaive Le Gable. Both of them were floating through the static dimension, both with a determined look on their face.

"I am creating Filgaia over again." Glaive Le Gable repeated. "From it's origins we shall start anew."

"And I say we're keeping Filgaia the way it is!" Gallows frowned. "There's too many damn good people that I love, like, or find amusing to let them go to waste by you!"

Glaive Le Gable frowned. "You love you Filgaia, even though it is mortally flawed?"

"I do." Gallows replied.

"And you'd sacrifice everything to bring it back, not even allowing for the option of a new and better Filgaia?"

"That's right!"

"I see." Glaive Le Gable sighed. "Than your will is absolute. Good luck with your flawed world…"

Subspace collapsed on itself, fading away in a series of static discharges. Everything faded black and Gallows felt himself disappear alongside Glaive Le Gable into darkness.

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Salutationary Gahooladay was created by WolfbaneHybrid and was used without permission!


	13. Shining Star

**Chapter 13: Shining Star**

"Gallows?" A familiar voice murmured through the inky blackness.

"Gallows? C'mon! Wake Up!" Another voice echoed, but this time a bit more clear.

Gallows woke up, finding tow faces in his. Jack and Jane were staring at him, their noses practically touching his. They leaped back, and Gallows could now see them as well as Magdalen and light pouring in from the window. Wait? Window! Gallows sat up and found himself in a bed. He patted himself to make sure he was real enough before hastily looking to the three. "What the-What's going on! How'd we end up at the surface? And what are you guys doing here! Aren't you dead!"

Jane crossed her arms and sighed. "Does he have to act like a moron all the time?"

"You don't understand! You guys remember, don't you? Shturdark, Gaia, and Glaive Le Gable!" Gallows asked frantically.

"We finished that mission a few days ago!" Magdalen laughed. "Glaive Le Gable gave you quite the bonk on the head, or should I say she gave us all a good hit or two. When we awoke, we found ourselves here in Baskar (Advanced the 3rd edition)!"

"You had us worried, because you wouldn't wake up!" Jack patted Gallows shoulder.

"A couple days?" Gallows sighed. "Well, what is today?"

"Don't you know?" Jane raised an eyebrow. "It's Christmas!"

"Christmas?" Gallows raised his eyebrow now. "But Christmas was when we fought Glaive Le Gable!

"She must have hit you hard!" Jack commented. "Like we said, we beat her a couple days ago. We've been in Baskar ever since!"

Gallows immediately leaped out of bed. Did he dream the whole thing, or was his desire really put into reality? He ran to the window and opened it all the way. Snow covered the little Baskar town and down below, a young girl was carrying a roast turkey. "HEY!" Gallows shouted. The girl looked up, revealing herself to be none other than Lilka!

"Oh hey Gallows! I'm delivering a turkey!" Lilka replied.

"You have a degree now in magic from Sielje and the only job you could get is delivering turkeys?" Gallows questioned the girl.

"Don't ask me! I just roll with it!" Lilka replied.

"Well whatever! Bring that turkey up here and I'll give you fifty gella!" Gallows dropped the coins down to the snow covered street.

"Yes sir!" Lilka laughed as she quickly picked up the coins.

"A turkey Gallows?" Jack raised an eyebrow.

"What's the deal with that? Aren't you going to go partying?" Jane placed a hand to her hip.

Gallows shook his head. "Though I love partying, if it's one thing I learned from this whole horizon business it's that Christmas is a time to be treasured and spent with those you care about!"

"That's awfully deep of you, good sir." Magdalen smiled.

"Well, it IS only one day a year. I can survive the day without the ladies. Besides, you guys will be joining me right?" Gallows hugged Jack and Jane at the same time.

"Sure." Jack squawked as he gasped for breath.

The door slammed opened, creating a loud ruckus! The agents all turned to see Marivel standing there, wearing her hat, scarf, and cane. She glowered at the group. "I see you guys are here having a little moment instead of earning me money! I have half the mind to fire all of you right now!"

"But we don't work for you…" Jane replied.

"Marivel!" Gallows dropped the two and gathered up Marivel in one hug. "Oh I'm so glad to see you alive!"

"Gah!" Marivel hissed. "The hugging! It burns!"

Gallows put Marivel down and blushed. "Sorry. I forgot about the whole nice thing."

Marivel rubbed her arm and let a small smile come through. "Well I'm glad to see you two you big idiot."

Marivel was run over as Lilka ran through the doorway, carrying the huge turkey. She placed the bird on a table and turned to Gallows. "Hey, are you guys having like a friendship dinner!"

"Err, something like that…" Jack rubbed the back of his neck.

"I want to join!" Lilka giggled.

"Stop it!" Marivel threw a snow-covered boot at Lilka. "Being giddy makes me nauseous."

The group of five laughed at this and then found more and more people knocking on the door and coming in. Virginia Maxwell and Ashley Winchester came through, followed by Cecelia Adlyhyde and Sheyenne Rainstorm. Soon the room was too crowded and then the house as all of ARMS and pretty much everyone else came to celebrate that most joyous of holidays, where there is good will towards men and peace on Earth. There was a good time to be had by all as there was food, drink, singing, and much merriment. Christmas was something special, and it would be special even if Jesus wasn't in it. Merry Christmas, one and all.

**Deck the halls with boughs of holly,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.  
Tis the season to be jolly,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.  
Don we now our gay apparel,  
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.  
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.  
See the blazing Yule before us,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.  
Strike the harp and join the chorus.  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.   
Follow me in merry measure,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.   
While I tell of Yuletide treasure,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.  
Fast away the old year passes,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.  
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.  
Sing we joyous, all together,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la.  
Heedless of the wind and weather,  
Fa la la la la, la la la la. **

"Heh." Gallows laughed. "You guys sand 'gay'."

Marivel crossed her arms across her chest and pouted as the last bit of turkey was stolen from her. "Bah Humbug".

George W. Bush walked in and turned to the camera. "**The End.** Stay the Course."


End file.
